


Paint Me A Rainbow

by stupidthinker



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, or so I wish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-02-06 15:10:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12820203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidthinker/pseuds/stupidthinker
Summary: Jinyoung was a white canvas. It was empty, monotonous, and lonely. Nothing could make him see the beauty of colors. He was born that way, and he would forever be.Or so he thought, until Jaebum came into his life and painted a rainbow with his colors.





	1. Prologue: White

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! Even though it hasn't been long since I finished my last fanfic hahaaa. That's what having too much free time in your hand gives you. And I have too many ideas in my mind so I need to let it out quick before it disappeared so here one of them ^^ This time I'm so determined to make a fluff since there's too much angst in my last fanfic. But it's me anyway so forgive me if there's some light angst here and there ;D Anyway, enjoy reading and hope you like it :))

Jinyoung felt the sunlight fell on his skin, warming his face up despite the high wind blowing through the opened large windows against him. He saw the image of the empty corridor surrounding him through his closed eyes, and took a few careful steps until it faded away. He stood still as he opened his eyes, letting them being exposed bare to the sun, squinting to welcome the flood of blinding white washing over his sight.

If Jinyoung was to pick a color to depict himself with, he would say white. Not only because it was one of the few colors he knew of, but because white was void of any colors. It was empty, monotonous, and lonely. He felt like he was in a love-hate relationship with the color, as he was with the sun. He found the color endearing because it was similar to him and despised it at the same time because it hurt him.

He closed his eyes again so he could see. He cursed under his breath as he took a few steps again. Why must they put so many big windows there? Why did it have to be opened that wind could burst in and bring dust to his eyes, causing him to reflexively rub his eyes so hard his contacts fell out? And why, of all days, he had to forget bringing his sunglasses that day? What an unlucky day. Now he needed to do this annoying blinking and squinting for a while until he found some shade so he could at least see a little bit to call Jackson for help. It was impossible to find his contact lenses on this patterned floor in this condition.

“Hey? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Jinyoung jolted in surprise. He was too focused on finding his way that he didn’t notice another presence approaching him until he talked. He turned around to the source of the deep voice, blinking only to get the imagery of a blurry face.

“Can’t you see me?” the stranger asked again.

Jinyoung nodded, slightly hesitant to explain his situation since he wasn’t the kind of person who trusted people easily. But he did need help, and the stranger was kind enough to notice that, so what choice did he have? “My contacts fell, and now I can’t see because of the sunlight.”

“The sunlight?” the stranger repeated, confused. For people who didn’t know of his condition, of course it would sound weird. Jinyoung could only hoped the stranger believed him as he nodded again. Suddenly he felt a bucket hat being pushed down his head, and he could see the dark colored baggy t-shirt the stranger was wearing. He still couldn’t see his face though, since the hat limited his vision upward, and if he tried to look up the sunlight would get into his eyes again it would be in vain.

“Is it better?”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung answered, relieved that he could see a little bit better. “Thank you.”

“I’ll help you look for your contacts. Are they colored?”

“Yes, they're red.”

“Red?” his savior repeated again, now sounded surprised. Jinyoung only nodded. He must’ve thought he was a weirdo, but he couldn’t do anything about it anyway. He kind of worried the stranger would ask him, or even worse, mock him. He could’ve told him his condition, but he didn’t want to too much of himself to someone he didn’t know yet.

To his surprise he saw the stranger crouched down and start searching without saying anything. His hair was pitch dark, and it swirled counter-clockwise, which was quite rare. His eyes kept following the whorl like he was hypnotized, and he jumped in surprise when the other suddenly stood up.

“Here, I found them!” he yelled, making a v-sign with his fingers. “Give me your hand.”

Jinyoung held out his hand. The stranger hold it with his own and lightly slid those two fingers on his palm, leaving two see-through circular objects. Now he didn’t have to replace it, and only need to find a restroom to clean them before he could use it again. He was so happy he looked up to face his savior without thinking, forgetting the sun. Well, he was squinting because he smiled so wide anyway, so it didn’t really matter

“Thank you so much,” he said, “You really save me a big time.”

“It’s nothing, I’m glad I could help. Well then, see you around.”

“Yeah.”

The stranger turned and walked away. Jinyoung only stared at the broad back as it got further away. Only after it disappeared from his sight he remembered that he was still wearing the other’s bucket hat.

“Wait!” he shouted, reaching the hat with his hand, “You forget your hat!”

He waited for the owner to turn up again, hoping he could still hear him, yet he didn’t. He sighed as he walked carefully not to bump into anything, searching for a restroom. Well, he did feel grateful for the hat since it helped him to see easier since he didn’t have to keep blinking. But it was something being lent to him, and he felt responsible to return it back to his owner. If he was someone rude he wouldn’t feel too bad for taking it, but the stranger was so kind to him. He regretted not asking for his savior’s name before he left. Now, how was he supposed to look for someone whose name, or even face, he didn’t know?

Only God knew how.


	2. Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the first chapter. Hope you like it :))

Hongdae at half past nine on Saturday night was still bustling with crowds, bathed in the blaze of neon lights. Jinyoung quickened his pace, wanting to escape the ocean of people and the cold autumn as fast as possible to the safe haven of his quiet and warm apartment. He always hated noisy spaces, so he tried to stay away from crowded street as much as possible. However, Hongdae was more bearable than any other crowded street. It was because in the midst of the noise of chatterings and cheerings, there was music.

Every steps he took, there would always be music, whether it was jazz, pop, hip hop, electronic, you named it. Some played instruments, some danced, some mimed. Whenever the sound of one performance faded out, another would replace it. No matter how much Jinyoung wanted to escape the mass of people pouring over the street, he would always found himself stopping for a song or two whenever there was any performance that caught his interest. Just like that night.

Jinyoung’s feet refused to move any further when they stepped into a flock of people surrounding a duo consisted of a boy and a girl. Their voices complemented each other beautifully. The girl’s voice was as clear as crystal, cleansing the tired minds from their haziness, and he swore he could hear honey dripping from the boy’s, melting the eardrums of his listener, accompanied with engaging melodies that was born through the girl’s skilled fingers running across the tuts of her keyboard. However, there was something else from their performance that made him couldn’t look away.

It was the boy. He was dancing along to the 70s r&b soul song they sung, expressing the song through his body. It was the first time Jinyoung saw something like that. His moves was sharp, full of force, yet it flowed smoothly and Jinyoung could see grace embracing the tip of his fingers. He was using headset microphone so it didn’t hinder his move. It was amazing how he could still sing stably while dancing like that. His face was filled with many different emotions which changed as he danced, reflecting the feelings the lyrics contained. It was just like a one-man musical with only the street lamps as the lighting and the street as the stage. The boy himself, though not the most handsome Jinyoung had ever seen, he could say that at the moment the dancing singer was the most attractive person he ever met with the amount of charisma he exuded with every motion swiftly flowed through his body, captivating the eyes of all the audience.

 

_ Our time, short and precious _ __  
_ Your lips, warm and luscious _ __  
_ You don't have to wear false charms _ __  
_ 'Cause when I wrap you in my hungry arms _ __  
__  
_ Be real black for me _ __  
_ Be real black for me _ __  
__  
_ Your hair, soft and crinkly _ __  
_ Your body, strong and stately _ __  
_ You don't have to search and roam _ __  
_ 'Cause I got your love at home _ __  
__  
_ Be real black for me _ __  
_ Be real black for me _ __  
__  
_ In my head I'm only half together _ __  
_ If I lose you, I'll be ruined forever _ __  
_ Darling, take my hand and hold me _ __  
_ Hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me _ __  
__  
_ You know how much I need you _ __  
_ To have you, really feel you _ __  
_ You don't have to change a thing _ __  
_ No one knows the love you bring _ __  
__  
_ Be real black for me _ _  
_ __ Be real black for me

 

The crowd applauded and cheered as soon as the song ended. The boy, though sweating profusely in the middle of the autumn, didn’t seem out of breath as he smiled brightly and bowed to the audience with the girl.

“Do you like our performance?” he asked, which was answered with an ear-bursting yes.

“Unfortunately, that’s our last song for the night,” he said, and his smile widened as the audience cried out in disappointment.

It was the girl’s turn to speak. “Don’t worry, you can find us again on the third Saturday of every month from 7 p.m. here. We’ll be waiting for you, thank you for watching!”

The duo waved their hands and bowed again, greeted by jolly clapping of hands. Jinyoung pulled away from the crowd to continue his walk home, feeling slightly disappointed that he didn’t came here earlier. Now he could only saw them again in a month. He wanted to watch more of the performance, especially the boy. Somehow, he couldn’t took his mind off of the boy. He was truly the opposite of Jinyoung, filled with life, bursting with energy, and he felt so colorful in his eyes. Maybe Jinyoung was a little bit jealous of it, that was why.

When he finally reached his apartment, it was dark, void of any human presence. Jinyoung didn’t need to text Jackson to know where he went, seeing his one and only roommate was still in the honeymoon phase with his beloved boyfriend. Not bothering to turn on the lamp, he went straight to his room. Only then he turned on the lamp. He threw himself on the bed without taking off his coat. He closed his eyes, basking in the comfort the darkness brought after being exposed on the light all day long. It soothed a little bit of his exhaustion away.

Jinyoung forced himself to open his eyes again a few minutes later, couldn’t afford to let himself to fall asleep without changing his clothes or washed up. He blinked his eyes to get his eyes used to the slightly dim light that filled the room, bright enough not to make them hurt. As soon as his sight was focused again, a black bucket hat hanging on a hook at the back of the door pulled his attention, dragging his mind back to the boy he met at the corridor.

It had been two months since he met that guy. He had been searching for him, yet to no avail. The only hint he had was his counter-clockwise swirl, so he had been looking at the back of every black haired people he met. Day by day, he lost hope more and more. Maybe it was time to give up. By far, only two of them had counter-clockwise swirl, and he ran after them only to find out that they weren’t his bucket hat guy. Which made him remembered something.

The dancing singer earlier was also black haired. And he had counter-clockwise swirl on his head.

 

\--

 

Jinyoung sipped on his coffee nervously for the nth times, and back to fiddling with his fingers again, a cycle that was continuously repeated even after his third cup. He ignored Jackson’s annoyed look until the other exploded when he stood up and started pacing across the room.

“Stop being so antsy, would you? It’s not like you’re going to meet your blind date mate.”

Jinyoung glared at him. “I won’t be as nervous if it was just a blind date mate. It’s someone I might be cohabitating with in the future. How can I not be nervous?”

It had been a month since Jackson announced that he was going to move in with Mark, his lover. The news, of course, threw him off guard. Fortunately, before Jinyoung could start panicking about having to pay the rent which was usually divided for two by himself, Jackson reassured him that he would only move out when he got a new roommate, and that he would help him search for them. It was a relief, really, since Jinyoung had way too few acquaintance in opposite to Jackson, being the social butterfly he was. Then a week ago, Jackson told him that he already found someone, and today they were going to meet him.

The thing he was most nervous about was because he had to live with someone he didn’t know. Jackson was one of his only friends since high school so he was fine living with him, but he rarely did well with strangers. He believed Jackson wouldn’t introduce this person to be his roommate if he was a bad person, and Jackson said he knew him well since they were friends. However the one Jinyoung didn’t trust was himself.

“You know how bad I am with strangers, right? What if I mess it up? What if I make it so awkward he feels uncomfortable with me and think he doesn’t want me as a roommate? What if I could never find a roommate? Ugh, should I just move to a smaller apartment and live alone?” Jinyoung rattled as his fingers made a mess of his own hair, his feet never stopped moving.

“Whoa, calm down, you worrywart. I’m sure it’s going to be alright. Besides he said he has met you before? Don’t you know anyone called Im Jaebum?”

Jinyoung abruptly stopped to look at Jackson, puzzled. “He said he met me before?” He scrunched his eyebrow, trying hard to remember anyone by the name, but nothing came up.

“I have a senior called Park Jaebum, but I don’t know any Im Jaebum,” Jinyoung answered after a long thought.

“Really? Then how does he know you?” Jackson asked, which was replied by a confused silence until the sound of the doorbell broke it.

“That must be him,” Jackson said, and Jinyoung stared anxiously as Jackson stood up and walked toward the door. Suddenly he felt so shy he wanted to hide in his room. However, turned out his curiosity won since his feet brought him to follow Jackson.

The door revealed a boy wearing a grey hoodie with black leather jacket over it, black ripped jeans, and white striped sneakers. His charcoal hair was so straight it fell flat on his forehead, and quite long it swallowed up both his eyebrows but not enough to cover the twin moles over his left eye. His eyes was small it disappeared when his mouth stretched into a wide smile that almost filled his whole face, showing two rows of white pearl teeth. It seemed familiar, but Jinyoung couldn’t remember where he saw it.

“Hey, man!” Jackson greeted the newcomer happily. “Come in!”

The ever energetic guy flung his arm around the boy’s neck and dragged him in. Since the boy was about the same height as Jinyoung, which meant taller than Jackson, it caused him to bend forward. The boy laughed and pushed Jackson away playfully.

“Don’t feed yourself with the illusion that everyone is as short as you, Wang Jackson,” the boy spoke for the first time since he arrived, and Jinyoung raked his brain hard to remember where did he hear that voice before. Jackson pouted and hit the boy’s upper arm.

“Don’t feel superior just because you’re taller than me!” he whined. Then it seemed like he just suddenly remembered that Jinyoung was also there. “Oh yeah, let me introduce you to your soon-to-be-roommate, Jinyoung.”

The boy turned to him and smiled, holding his hand out for a handshake. His grip was firm on Jinyoung’s hand, and it was warm despite the harsh cold winter he just walked against outside. “Hi, I’m Jaebum. Nice to meet you.”

“Jinyoung, nice to meet you too.”

“So, so,” Jackson tugged on Jaebum’s free hand, “you told me you’ve met him before, but he said he didn’t remember you. How can it be?”

Jaebum smirked, throwing a meaningful gaze at Jinyoung, who knitted his brows confusedly as he couldn’t decipher what it meant. “I never expect him to remember me, considering his circumstance back then. I can never forget such a beautiful person, though.”

Jinyoung felt his cheeks burning. Jackson slapped Jaebum’s shoulder, hard enough to jerk Jaebum into releasing Jinyoung’s hand. “Stop flirting with him.”

Jaebum threw a wronged look at the shorter boy. “I’m not, I’m just being honest.”

Jackson sighed. “Okay, enough. Now, let’s get down to the business. I’ll show you my and your soon-to-be room,” Jackson said, pulling Jaebum away from the living room. Jinyoung stayed, trying to calm down his flapping heartbeat. Never once someone talked so blatantly to him like that.

“I like it, I’m totally going to live here even if I have to kick you out myself,“ Jaebum grinned as they came back a few moments later.

“Whoa, calm down, dude. I’ll pack up and leave by myself in three days so you don’t need to waste your strength. So, it’s a deal?”

“Deal.”

“What about you, Jinyoung?”

Jinyoung thought for a moment. He began to doubt whether living with someone who seemed like a player would be alright. But Jackson seemed so eager to move in with Mark, only staying out of consideration for Jinyoung. He didn’t have the heart to hold him back any longer. Jaebum didn’t seem like such a bad person anyway.

“Okay, deal. Please take care of me.”

Jaebum beamed up, smiling so brightly and childlike Jinyoung felt the corner of his mouth lifted up too. “Me too.”

“Um, but, if you’re going to live with me, there’s something you need to know,” Jinyoung said. Well, it was inevitable for him to know sooner or later, so he might as well break it down now.

“What?” A hint of curiosity could be heard in his voice.

“There’s a reason why every lamps in this apartment except Jackson’s room aren’t so bright. I have some kind of situation.”

Jaebum kept silent, waiting patiently for him to finish. Jinyoung took a deep breath before he continued.

“I’m an achromat.”

Jaebum’s eyes widened in shock, signaling that he understood what it meant, yet somehow Jinyoung still felt the need to explain it.

“In other words, I’m totally colorblind.”

 

\--

 

Jinyoung heard a knock on his door. “Come in,” he said loudly so the person behind the door could hear it.

The door opened slightly, letting a glimpse of light slit through the darkness. Jaebum’s face appeared through the crack.

“Are you sleeping?”

“No. What’s up?”

“Dinner is ready, but if you don’t want to eat now, I’ll wrap your share so you can reheat it later.”

It had been two weeks since Jaebum officially became his roommate, and turned out he was a better one than Jackson. On the first day, when they sorted out how they were going to share the chores, Jaebum offered to cook for both of them in exchange of Jinyoung doing all the laundry. Jinyoung was absolutely delighted, since he could save up more that way. He thought Jaebum would be as useless as Jackson and he were in the kitchen, yet it turned out he was quite a decent cook. His cooking had became Jinyoung’s new favorite food he would never passed on.

“I’m coming,” he said.

Jinyoung pushed himself off of the bed and walked toward the door. He blinked as the light welcomed him, letting his eyes adjust to it. As he did that, Jaebum had already left his side to bring the food to the living room and set it on the table. Jinyoung felt his stomach growling at the smell, so he took the steps toward it and sat down on the floor, waiting for Jaebum to bring the tableware.

“You could’ve helped me a little bit, you know, I’m not your wife,” Jaebum grumbled when he arrived and rest his buttocks beside him. Jinyoung only grinned as he took the chopsticks to feast on the sweet, sour, and spicy fried chicken in front of him.

“Itadakimasu~” Jinyoung said, copying the anime they just watched together this afternoon. Even living together only for a short while it was already evident that Jaebum was the total opposite from Jinyoung. Being a fine art major student in painting department, Jaebum always lived surrounded by colors. And even though not at the same level as Jackson, he was a pretty outgoing person, fortunately so because it had a big part on making Jinyoung warmed up to him easier which let them cohabitating in a comfortable environment. However, despite their major differences, they matched on many minor things so well. They both like watching anime, for example.

Jinyoung brought the chicken to his mouth with his chopsticks, greedily ripped out the meat from the bone. He moaned as he savored the taste on his tongue. He continued stuffing his mouth as if he was inhaling the food, not paying attention to Jaebum until he felt the latter’s eyes on him.

“What?” he asked, sounding muffled as he kept munching the food inside his mouth, throwing a questioning look at the other.

“What are you doing in that pitch dark room if you’re not sleeping? I’ve seen you do that before. I’m just curious, no need to answer that if you don’t want to.”

Jinyoung swallowed the food down before answering. “It’s nothing big, I just like doing that sometimes. In the dark, all I see is a pitch black world, everybody does. At that moment, I see the same color as others in the same situation, and I can feel like I’m not really different from the others. That’s the only reason, really,” Jinyoung chuckled, “I’m so silly, right?”

Jaebum shook his head. “Not at all. I understand your reason. And since I got to know you better, I’ve always thought black is so you.”

Jinyoung laughed. “What? Is it because I’m colorblind, so I’m colorless?”

Jaebum shook his head again, harder this time. “No, of course not. Black doesn’t mean you have no color. When you mixed three primary colors, you’ll get black. A black object absorbs all the colors of the visible spectrum and reflects none of them. What I mean is, I think you have all kind of colors inside you, but for some reason you won’t let it be shown. It’s such a shame.”

Jinyoung was at loss of words. He never expected that kind of answer, never knew that black could be seen in such a perspective. He had always thought black and white weren’t colors. That was why he, a total colorblind, could see it, and since he could only see them, he was also colorless.

“I’ve always thought I want to be the one who let those colors that were trapped inside you out for the world to see. So, Jinyoung…”

Jinyoung held his breath, drowned inside the depth of Jaebum’s eyes.

“...won’t you let me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Jinyoung is colorblind. I was inspired after watching Han Woo Tak on While You Were Sleeping, I like him so much <3 So, I did some researching about colorblindness and found out there was much more of total colorblindness than the drama showed, which kind of make me feel a little bit disappointed of the drama because now that I've read many of achromats' experiences Han Woo Tak doesn't feel so real anymore. Still love the drama and Han Woo Tak though ;D
> 
> Anyway, I try to portray Jinyoung as an achromat only based on my research on the internet, so forgive me and let me know if I make any mistake on it so I can fix it and do better for the next chapter. Thanks for reading, I wish you like it :))
> 
> Edit: Forgot to mention the song (+_+)  
> Roberta Flack ft. Donny Hathaway - Be Real Black for Me


	3. Orange

Jinyoung had always lived his live in grayscale. There were literally no colors in his life. He could never understand how people could feel anything from colors, like how pink was sweet, blue was calming, yellow was joyful. Because he could never see it. Because all he could see was black, white, and every shades of gray between them just like watching television in early 19th century.

While every other kids was afraid of the dark, light scared kid Jinyoung so much because it hurt him. Under the daylight, he couldn’t even see anything. He always confined himself inside his room, thick curtain closed with only the company of the dim light that illuminated the space. He was a loner, decided to isolate himself from the annoyingly childish classmates who always questioned him for wearing sunglasses everywhere, even inside the class, and mocked him for saying apple was black. His world only consisted of the stories written in the form of blank ink on white pages, constructing a concrete wall around himself until Jackson and Wonpil built a door after the became classmates at highschool and brought others in, all of them fitting themselves in the small space. Still, he kept it dark, because he still hated the sun and colors as much as he yearned for it.

People said colors were beautiful. He knew the colors of common objects, he knew now that apple was red, the sky was blue, his little cactus was green, all those things. He could even recognize some colors based on the depth of their shade in his eyes. However, he wanted to know why people thought they were beautiful, he wanted to feel it. So he tried to learn. Everytime he found any colors described in the books he tried to imagine it, but he just didn’t get it. He couldn’t feel it. At one point he just gave up, and resigned himself in his boring monochrome world. And that was why he laughed when Jaebum asking him permission to let the only thing he could never get acquainted with out of him.

“You really have a way with your words. You must be popular with girls, I can understand them. Even I feel my heart flutter a little bit. You can just ask without trying to flatter me if you need anything, okay? What do you want me to do? Wash the dishes?”

A grin slowly broke on Jaebum’s face as he pushed his dirty dishes to Jinyoung, “Who am I to refuse if you insist?”

“Just as I thought, you’re so easy to see. Alright, I’ll do it,” Jinyoung grumbled playfully, gathering all the dirty dishes and brought it to the sink. He tried to ignore the slight disappointment gnawing his heart.

Well, maybe in one remote room at the corner of his heart, the hope for someday understanding the colors was still lit, though dim.

 

\--

 

Jinyoung walked through the corridor, eyes fixed to the floor beside the quick glances he took from every doors he passed by. He felt out of place, wandering around in the department he didn’t belong to. He felt sticking out like a sore thumb, looking way too nervous and fidgety. If not for Jaebum, he would never step a foot into this place. What business would a literature student like him have at the art department?

But it wasn’t the time to think about that, he needed to find Jaebum as soon as possible. He cursed under his breath. Where the heck was the studio Jaebum was in? Why were there so many room here? Only after fifteen minutes that was felt like an hour did he let a breath of relief, finding the room Mark, who turned out to be in the same department as Jaebum, mentioned when he asked where his roommate possibly be. He quickly went in. However, when he took a step inside, he couldn’t move an inch from where he was standing, forgetting the reason why he needed he was here.

There were a few people other than Jaebum, each sitting in front of their own easel, just like him. Yet without having to look around, Jinyoung’s eyes fell by themself on Jaebum’s figure beside the window, like being drawn by a magnet. The sunshine should’ve made it hard to recognize his face, yet he still knew it was him. Maybe it was because the light wasn’t too strong since the window didn’t face the sun, but he could see his face, gleaming from the daylight that fell on it. However, what took his breath away was his gaze, and the aura surrounding him.

It was the first time he saw that kind of look in the other’s eyes. The intense gaze fixed on the canvas that fueled the flame burning in the dark of his eyes. However, despite that, the aura pouring out from his skin was soft, calm, and peaceful, intertwining with the light shining through the window, made him look glowing.

“Beautiful,” he whispered even before he knew it, surprising himself. And Jaebum just had to notice his presence in that flustered state, raising his eyebrow. He put down his brush and palette before coming over to Jinyoung, who used the short time it took to quickly reorganize his mind and controlled his expression.

“What brings you here?” Jaebum asked.

“Your mom called me, told me she can’t reach you. You must’ve too lost in your own world again to notice the tens of missed calls your mom made.”

Jinyoung had only met the kind lady twice, and when they did, her hands would always be filled with the side-dishes she packed for her son and him. Her face was the splitting image of Jaebum’s, even more so with the way their eyes disappeared when they smiled. She was as friendly as Jaebum, if not more since the first thing she did the very first time they met was enveloping him with bone-crushing hug, making him wondered how such strength come from a small body.

“I finally got another son,” she said then, saying she would take care of Jinyoung in place of his mother who was far away at Busan, while Jaebum’s home was only two to three hours drive from Seoul. After that she always looked for Jinyoung whenever she video called his son. She even called him personally sometimes, and so did he. The thing was, Jaebum was so different around his mother. He naturally did aegyo he would normally never do once every hour, and didn’t shy to give her kisses. When Jinyoung asked Mrs. Im about it, she raised her eyebrow in confusion and answered, “Isn’t he always like that?” leaving his jaw fell hanging in disbelief.

Jaebum quickly fished his phone out from his pocket, and his eyes widened in surprise.

“Shit, twenty missed calls from my mother!” He shrieked, and Jinyoung sighed, shaking his head. “So, what’s so urgent?”

“She said Nora is sick.”

Shock and concern spread across his face, knowing something was wrong with his precious cat. Jinyoung often heard Jaebum talked about her fondly, but yet to see her.  The worried owner of the pet put both his hands on Jinyoung’s shoulders, gripping them tightly it almost hurt. “What?! What happened to her?” Jaebum asked frantically.

“I don’t know the details, she sounded panic. She only said she’s going to bring her to a veterinarian. I think you might want to see how she was by yourself, that’s why I’m looking for you right after the call.”

Jaebum released him, running his hand through his own hair, “You’re right, but… what should I do? I have my part-time job after this. Seonsaengnim wouldn’t be able to find someone to replace me with such a short notice, and he can’t cancel the class either.”

If Jinyoung could, he would go in his stead. However, Jaebum’s job was teaching elementary students how to create a painting at an art studio, something he most definitely couldn’t do. Fortunately he already prepared another solution.

“Mark has agreed to fill in for you if you want to go, I’ve asked him beforehand. He said he also taught there last year, so he knew seonsaengnim won’t mind him doing it again in your place. Sorry I’m meddling in your business, but…”

Jinyoung’s words was cut when the air was forced out of his lungs by how tight Jaebum hugged him, with as much strength as his mother.

“Thank you so much, you really are an angel, Jinyoung,” Jaebum softly spoke, tickling his ear with the warmth of his breath. He quickly pushed the other away before he could also hear the deafening pounding of his heart.

“Stop that, you better go now,” he said, trying to school his expression.

“You’re right,” Jaebum said, taking off his apron as he went inside again to clean up and gather his things. He gave Jinyoung one last hug and thank you before he left, and only after Jaebum disappeared from his sight he let the fire exploded on his face, cursing his heart that refused to calm down.

 

\--

 

Jinyoung opened his eyes, and it wasn’t any different from when he didn’t. The silence that filled the whole darkness was broken by the sound of a pair of rubber shoe soles against the floor which steadily grew louder, until it stopped and replaced by the clicking noise of a key turning in its keyhole. Someone entered the room, closing the door again after opening it. He couldn’t make the face of the newcomer, but who else would have the key of his apartment beside Jaebum?

“Why is it so dark? Is it another one of your ritual?”

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “If my ritual can make the whole neighborhood get a blackout for three fckin hours, I must be some kind of God.”

He could hear the other clicking his tongue in amusement. “And you’ve been staying in this complete darkness all those time? You really is something else.”

“What else I can do? There’s no moon outside, and no emergency lamp or even any candles in this apartment. I’m too tired to go out and buy them, and I thought you won’t be coming back so I don’t ask you to buy it.”

“There is.”

Jinyoung knitted his eyebrow as he turned his head to where Jaebum was supposed to stand. “What? Where?”

Jinyoung’s ears caught the sound of another door opened and some rustling sound before the footstep became closer and closer and a weight was dropped beside him on the couch. A clicking sound of metal, and then a small flame illuminate Jaebum’s face and the room, which was transferred into a small glass jar Jaebum was holding. However, instead of burning smell, some kind of fresh, sweet, and delicate scent caressed his nose, and somehow he a little of his fatigue was softly blown away. He slumped back down to the backrest as he filled his nose with the relaxing scent.

“What’s this smell?” Jinyoung asked curiously.

Jaebum smiled as he put the jar on the small table beside him. “It’s nice, isn’t it? It’s orange blossom. I always lit it up before sleeping so it can help me sleep well.”

Jinyoung shook his head as he felt the corners of his mouth lifted up, a small laugh escaped his lips. “I never thought you’re the kind to buy scented candles and lit them up regularly.”

“A man with many unexpected sides is charming, right? You can fall for me if you want.”

At that point, Jinyoung had gotten so used to those kind of jokes Jaebum often threw at him that he just ignored him and asked, “How’s Nora? Is she alright? I thought you’re gonna stay with her tonight.”

A glint of sadness flickered through the dancing light reflected on Jaebum’s eyes. “She had to be hospitalized for I don’t know how many days. They said something is wrong with her digestion system. I’m just gonna overthink it and get sadder if I stay home while she’s not there anyway, so here I am.”

It was the first time Jinyoung saw his roommate in such a dejected state, and he didn’t know what to do to comfort him, what to say to make him feel better. The one who was good with words was Jaebum, not him. However, he knew how important Nora was for the other, and he wished so much to give strength for him, no matter how. That was why he slipped his fingers in between Jaebum’s, squeezing his hand tightly, silently encouraging him through the warmth of his palm he hoped would get across. It seemed like it did, seeing how his roommate frown softened into a small smile, which he replied with a wider one of his own.

All of sudden Jaebum lifted their intertwined hands and leaned down to rest his head on Jinyoung’s lap, which made him gasped in surprise. Jaebum closed his eyes as he placed both their hand on his chest, ignoring Jinyoung’s confused stare.

“Let’s stay this way for a while,” he said, “today’s so draining, let me rest a little bit.”

Jinyoung didn’t do or say anything, mind still lost in a daze. And Jaebum continued to surprise him by taking his free hand with his own and put it on his hair.

“Pet my head,” he said.

Jinyoung, though still dumbfounded, automatically did what he was requested. He softly run his hand through the silky hair, watching how the light created waves on it as it shifted. Jaebum sighed and said, “It feels so nice.”

Jaebum’s breath eventually evened into a slow, steady pace. Despite both his thighs starting to hurt, Jinyoung found himself smiling at the gleaming face of the sleeping boy. The light from the candle made sharp contrast on his feature, emphasizing the contour of his face, and at that moment he felt like the world of black and white could actually be wonderful. He rested his head back on the back rest, deeply breathing in the sweet scent filling the air as he also closed his eyes. He felt the warmth on his palms and the one seeped through the fabric of his pajama pants spreading across his body.

_ He’s right,  _ he thought,  _ it does feel nice. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took quite long for me to update TT There are too much happenings this month. I'll try to update more often so please forgive me :D I hope you like this chapter!


	4. Yellow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fast update ;D

Just like every other morning, Jinyoung opened his eyes to the darkness of his room. Any light from the outside was blocked by a thick curtain he put over the only window in his room beside his bed, except the little that managed to escape through the narrow crack. He groaned as he pushed himself up from the bed and yawned to his palm. He pushed the curtain slightly to the side, taking a peek to the sky outside. He sighed. It was cloudy, which meant there was a high possibility of snow, which brought cloud in his mood too. He didn’t necessarily hate snow, he was just afraid that it might ruin his plan for the night.

He sighed again at the thought. Having such a bad mood as soon as he woke up wasn’t a good start of the day, and it usually would lasted the whole day. The thought of being gloomy all day made him lost his will to do anything. He shifted his eyes to the other side of the room, catching the clock ticking on the wall. It told him that fortunately there was still three hours until his afternoon class at one, so he didn’t have to be in a hurry. He could even sleep for another hour if he wanted. He contemplated it. Maybe sleeping again would make him feel better. But what if he didn’t woke up on time and became late to his class? It would just make his mood worsened. And his stomach started to rumble, so he opted for food. Maybe eating a good food would do the job.

He shoved his blanket to the side and put down his feet on the floor one by one. He walked to the door, thinking what he should eat. However as soon as he opened it, a delicious smell hit his nose. Following the smell, he was brought to the kitchen. On the kitchen cabinet beside the stove, he spotted an omurice accompanied by a post-it note. He pulled the note off from the plate and took the it closer to his eyes so he could read it since he didn’t wear his contacts.

**_In the world of safe hues, like black, red, and white, yellow shouts: “Look at me, I’m happy!” :)_**

**_P. S.: Don’t forget to heat it up in the microwave before you eat ^^_ **

Only then he realized that on the omurice, there was a smiley face drawn with ketchup. It was so childish and funny he laughed so hard. Who knew Im Jaebum had a cute side like this? He put the post-it back to where it was put before and went inside his room again, looking for his phone. He took a picture of them and sent it to Jaebum with the caption:

_Thanks for the meal~ I’ll eat it well :)_

After that, the drawing on the omurice seemed to be plastered on his face. He couldn’t stop smiling. He smiled as he waited for the microwave to beep. He smiled as he ate, even chuckling sometimes as he tried to picture what kind of face Jaebum made when he drew this. the notes again. He smiled as he took a shower and hummed pieces of any bright songs that came to his mind.

 

 _저 태양처럼 baby // Like that sun baby_ _  
_ _환한 미소로 내 맘을 녹여줘 // Melt my heart with a bright smile_ _  
_ _저 태양처럼 baby // Like that sun baby_   
환하게 나의 하루를 밝혀줘 // Shine brightly into my day

 

“Did you get infected by some kind of weird disease? Or did you drink the wrong medicine this morning? You’re grinning so much it’s disgusting,” Jackson said, throwing him a weird look as he sat beside him in their class.

Jinyoung just shrugged and continued humming. Jackson looked like he wanted to ask further, yet was stopped by the arrival of their professor. The great mood he had still didn’t disperse even as he noted down the guests’ orders in the restaurant he worked at, and it seemed like it was so obvious from the way Wonpil stared at him when he got back to put the orders.

“Did something good happen? You keep smiling it’s weird,” Wonpil asked curiously.

“What’s weird about smiling? I always smile when I’m working, it’s part of our job anyway,” Jinyoung answered in an attempt to avoid the topic. However, Wonpil just wouldn’t budge.

“No, it’s different,” he said, shaking his head, “today it’s not the polite business smile being glued on your face. It looks like your face is about to break with how wide you’re smiling, I bet your cheek is going to feel sore by the end of the day if you keep it up.”

Jinyoung felt the heat crawling up to his face as he averted his eyes away, pretending to double-check the order. “Stop exaggerating, I’m the same as always.”

Suddenly, a teasing grin was formed on Wonpil’s face. “What? Someone manages to make Park Jinyoung blush? Who’s that incredible person? Is it the new roommate Jackson told me the other day? Whoa, I really need to meet this guy.”

“Shut up and quickly make the dishes, the customers are waiting,” Jinyoung said, wanting the conversation to finish as his cheeks were on fire already. Wonpil seemed like he wouldn't back down, fortunately to his relief, a new customer passed through the door so he could escape.

However, his two friends were right, it was indeed weird. Why did he felt so happy over such a little thing? Or maybe because it was Jaebum? Jinyoung shook the thought away, and tried to focus so he wouldn’t make any mistake in taking the order.

 

\--

 

Jinyoung checked his watch as he moved his legs quicker, ignoring the snow that fell on his hair. It was already half past eight. He pushed through the crowd to reach the spot where he was awed by a duo’s performance two months ago. He actually wanted to come last month too, however his father got sick so he had to go back to his hometown. That was why he was more determined to come today and watch from the very beginning, even more so because there was something he needed to confirm. However, the universe seemed to want otherwise.

The part-timer who was supposed to work the shift after him was held back thanks to the snow that fell heavily in his are. He couldn’t refuse the manager’s request to stay longer until the part-timer came, though fortunately with additional pay. However, because of that, he finished at eight instead of six thirty, meaning he couldn’t watch the duo performed from the beginning. Now he could only hope that they wouldn’t cancel their performance. He breathed in relief when his ears finally caught a familiar voice, and a familiar figure that was circled by a crowd, confirming that his suspicion was right.

Jaebum was there, standing on the center of the flock, still making small talk between their performance with his audience together with his partner. The first time Jinyoung had his suspicion that Jaebum was the same person as the performer was when he heard the other sung in the bathroom. It sounded awfully familiar and it kept itching the back of his mind until one day he caught Jaebum dancing in his room when he thought no one was home. Jinyoung might forgot his face, or in a haze about his voice, but he would never forget the entrancing way his body moved. Just like what happened before him now.

As soon as music started flowing through the girl’s fingers, Jaebum’s gaze changed. And when her crystal voice cut through the air, he started moving.

 

 _The moon was yellow and the night was young_ _  
_ _A smile brought us together,_ _  
_ _And I was wondering whether_ _  
_ _We'd meet again someday._ _  
_ _  
_ _The moon was yellow and a song was sung,_ _  
_ _That vocal inspiration gave me the inclination_ _  
_ _To give my heart away!_ _  
_ _  
_ _Here we are! Is our romance to continue?_ _  
_ _Will it be my luck to win you?_ _  
_ _May I look that far?_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ah! My love is mellow and my hopes are strung,_ _  
_ _Around that cupid fellow,_ _  
_ _Behold! The moon is yellow,_   
And the night is young

 

The song was ended with a loud cheer from the audience, and Jinyoung clapped with all his might. It was incredible. They were singing the classic musical song with their own rendition in R&B style and it sounded so good. Jinyoung somehow felt pride filling his heart when he heard it, knowing such an amazing person that could move many people’s heart was his roommate. However, it changed to worry that mirrored Jaebum’s face as the boy whispered something to his partner, who nodded agreeing to whatever he was saying. After the cheer had calmed down, Jaebum turned back to the crowd.

“We’re so sorry to inform you that we had to end early since the snow has gotten heavier.”

He smiled as the crowd whined in protest, Jinyoung included. “We truly apologize. Thanks for watching us tonight. Please be careful on your way home and don’t catch a cold. See you next time.”

Jinyoung sighed in disappointment. Well, on the positive side, at least he was able to watch one song from them. He stayed as the crowd dispersed, watching Jaebum and his partner packed up their instruments and equipment, contemplating whether he should call out for him or not. However he looked busy, talking and laughing with the girl. Jinyoung didn’t want to disturb them, so he turned on his feet to leave, even though he didn’t get farther than fifteen steps before his elbow was tugged. He stopped and turned around to find Jaebum, bending down and panting, the white cloud puffed out through his mouth failed to veil the brightness of his smile.

“Glad I can catch you,” he said.

“Jae…”

“I have to go back,” Jaebum cut him off, still heaving for breath. “Wait for me at that restaurant. Let’s have dinner and go home together.”

Jinyoung’s eyes followed the pointed finger to a cafe only three meters from where they were standing, and nodded.

“Great,” Jaebum brightened up, as if that was still possible. “I’ll be quick. See you later!”

Jinyoung, still stunned by the unexpected event, could only let his eyes tailed the wide back getting farther away. Only after it disappeared he moved his feet and walk to the mentioned restaurant. The circle lamp sign at the front said ‘Simpson Tang’. _Wait, did he choose this restaurant because of its name?_ Jinyoung chuckled. Jaebum and his obsession for The Simpson would never broke up.

Even from the outside, he could see most of the interior thanks to the big windows facing the street. It looked warm and cozy, dominated by wood except one side of wall and the floor that was made of concrete. He went in and choose a table beside the window, so he could see Jaebum coming. He ordered a drink and asked the waiter to leave the menu, saying he was waiting for someone.

That someone came about half an hour later, white snowflakes scattered contrasting the black hair. Jinyoung smiled at him when he saw him, which was returned back brightness multiplied.

“Have you ordered?” Jaebum asked as he sat across Jinyoung.

“Only this drink. I haven’t ordered food yet.”

“Alright then, let’s order quickly. Ah, I’m so tired and cold and hungry I thought I’m gonna die.”

Jaebum called the waiter and ordered. Jinyoung looked outside the window, watching people passing by the restaurant. Or not. His mind was totally distracted by the staring from across the table. He ignored it at first, but at the end he sighed and turned to look at the owner of the stare.

“What?”

“So you watch me,” he said, sounded amazed by that fact.

Jinyoung nodded, “Only the last song, though. I was late because of my part time job.”

“Since when did you know? Jackson told you?”

Jinyoung shook his head. “I watched you perform once before Jackson introduced you to me, and I only confirmed it was you  tonight. Never thought I could befriend a star someday.”

Jaebum laughed. “What star? We just perform here once in a while for fun.”

Jinyoung knitted his eyebrow, puzzled. “Don’t you and your partner want to be professionals?”

Jaebum chuckled. “Of course not. We never seek to be professionals, we only like to sing and make people happy. We both have something we want to do more, so performing was just kind of hobby. Maybe some of the performers there would be stars someday, but not us.”

Jinyoung hummed in understanding, remembering the time he saw the other painting at the campus studio. He averted his eyes from Jaebum, knowing what he was going to say next was so embarrassing, yet he still wanted to say it because he loved his performances so much. So he did. “It’s still a pity though. For me, you’re the brightest among any other performers there. If they’re stars, you’d be a moon, since you’re brighter than them. I’d say you’re the sun, the brightest of all star, if only I could see it. But I can’t, and I can see you, so you’re the moon for me. A yellow moon, just like the song you sang.”

His cheeks felt like it had exploded. He waited for a response, but there was nothing. After a few minutes of silence, he started to regret his daringness. Even after the waiter brought their side dish, there was still nothing. He decided to just screw it and looked up, finding Jaebum frozen with gaping mouth, eyes wide. It was so funny if he wasn’t so embarrassed he would’ve laughed his guts out. And Jaebum did just like that.

Jaebum laughed so annoyingly hard tears was falling down from his eyes while Jinyoung was ablaze with embarrassment. He wished he could turn back time or maybe just get sucked into nothingness, clean and easy. He stood up, wanting to escape as soon as possible. He would rather starve than being in this place right then. However, before he got to take another step, a firm hand grabbed his wrist, forbidding him from going. He glared at Jaebum who was trying to suppress his laughter to speak.

“I’m sorry, don’t get angry. I don’t mean to laugh at you. Please sit down again.”

Jinyoung was going to jerk his hand away and just leave. He, however, couldn’t reject the puppy eyes Jaebum beamed on him. So he slumped back down on his seat, staring at the wrist Jaebum kept holding, waiting for the other’s explanation.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t laugh because I think what you said was funny. I laughed because you think just the same thing as I do.”

Jinyoung finally lifted his eyes to look at Jaebum, confused. Jaebum smiled softly, releasing the wrist he was gripping tightly only to slide his hand down to gently hold the hand attached to it.

“I’ve always thought you’re like the moon since the first time I saw you. You’re so beautiful you’re shining softly in the most serene way possible. Just like the moon,” Jaebum smirked, “and for your information, moon is my favorite star in this universe.”

Jinyoung’s cheek started burning again for a completely different reason. After all this time he should’ve been immune to his flattery. This one, though, somehow managed to break through the barrier and affect him. Fortunately, at that moment, the waiter came bringing their dish. He quickly pulled his hand from Jaebum’s, giving space for the waiter to put the heavy pot of budae jjigae down. The skin Jaebum touched felt as hot as the smoke puffing out from the stew.

 

\--

 

The street to their neighborhood was empty by the time they got back. It was quiet except for the crunching sound of their soles crushing the frozen snow. The snow itself had stopped falling, yet Jinyoung could still feel the air freezing the tips of his fingers. He brought both his hands to his mouth and blew his breath on them, trying to make them warmer.

“Where’s your gloves? You don’t wear it?” Jaebum asked, his voice was laced with concern.

“I did, but I left it at my workplace. I forgot since I was too much in a hurry.”

Jaebum furrowed his brows. “What made you rushing so much?”

“I didn’t want to be late to watch you perform, which I still did anyway,” Jinyoung chuckled.

Jaebum stared at him for a moment before taking off one of his gloves, to Jinyoung’s surprise. He snatched his right hand and put on the glove. Then he grabbed his bare hand with his own and put them inside the pocket of his jacket.

“There it is. Warm, isn’t it?” Jaebum grinned to the stunned Jinyoung. Jinyoung tried to pull his hand from that warmth. “You don’t have to…”

“It’s okay,” Jaebum said, tightening his grip. “It’s because of me anyway, so let me compensate you. Shouldn’t let my biggest fan getting frostbites, should I?”

Jinyoung pouted. “Stop mocking me!”

Jaebum just laughed. He started walking again, dragging Jinyoung along with him. He started humming, melting the silence with his honeyed voice. After a few steps though, Jinyoung tugged his hand, making him stop. Jaebum stared at him confusedly while Jinyoung steeled his will. He was done with contemplating.

“There’s something I want to ask.”

Jinyoung rummaged through his sling bag with his gloved hand, finding one object that had became important for him with time. He took out a black bucket hat from his bag, holding it out for Jaebum to see.

“Is this yours?” Jinyoung timidly asked. So many failure had drained his courage and hope so much, which he had gathered pieces by pieces to ask this question one more time. What if he was wrong again? Where else should he search for him? He stared as Jaebum smiled.

“So you still keep it.” Jaebum said, gazing fondly at the hat. Jinyoung smiled in relief.

“So it’s really yours? I’ve been searching for its owner to return it back. I’m so glad I finally find him. This hat should be back to its rightful owner.”

“And it’s you,” Jaebum said. Jinyoung was about to protest, but Jaebum stopped him. “I’ve already given this hat to you, so you’re its owner. I’ll never take back what I gave out, okay? So keep it.”

Jinyoung looked endearingly at the hat. His mouth curled into a smile as he said thank you. Jaebum just smiled back and continued walking.

“So that was our first meeting,” Jinyoung said. Jaebum laughed.

“Ddaeng! You’ve got the wrong answer.”

Jinyoung stared at him, dumbfounded. “If it’s not that time at the corridor, then when?”

Jaebum chuckled again, which had started to annoy Jinyoung. He liked the sound, though. “Are you really curious?”

Jinyoung stomped his foot, irritated. “Fine! If you don’t want to tell me, it’s okay. Suit yourself!”

“Whoa, whoa, be patient, I never say that. I’ll tell you…”

Jinyoung looked at him, filled with hope.

“... if you go for a date with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the note was quoted from JOY SEWING, "Why a yellow dress is more than a yellow dress", Chron, January 20, 2016. The song Jinyoung sang is "Like That Sun" by Day6, and the one Jaebum and his partner sang is "The Moon Was Yellow" by Frank Sinatra. So what do you think of this chapter? Do you prefer me keeping with the fluff or going angst? I kinda have this urge to make an angst because I just finished Just Between Lovers drama and I can't get it out of my head *sob* I want to keep this story as a fluff though *sob* Should I find a way to kill this urge or just go with it I'm so confused >,<
> 
> Okay sorry for the rant. I'm writing this at 3 a.m. so I'm kinda in a crazy state. Forgive me. And thanks for reading! (Gosh I almost end that with question mark maybe I should really sleep now)
> 
> Thanks again! Forgive me if there's any mistake or anything lacking from this story :))


	5. Pink

The snow had stopped falling as the chilly weather started rising in temperature. Gone all the thick outerwears, and the layer of clothes people were wearing lessened bit by bit. In place of the blanket of white smothering the earth, plants grew and flowers blossomed. And along with the spring, came Jaebum with his new hair color.

Jinyoung was lounging on the couch reading a book, papers almost against his nose, when he heard the clicking of the lock opened. He didn’t even bother to raise his head knowing who that was, too immersed in the story typed on the pages, merely murmuring a welcome home.

“I bought groceries on my way home. What do you want to eat?”

Only then he looked up, feeling his eyes sparkled. Jaebum’s cooking was his favorite, second to his mother’s, and it would always had his best interest. He parted his mouth to talk, only to leave it gaping open as his eyes caught Jaebum’s hair, the shade so bright except for the area around the roots which was still black.

“What happened to your hair?” Jinyoung asked after he found his voice.

Jaebum chuckled, maybe finding his expression funny. “I dyed it pink.”

“Pink? What, like the cherry blossom?”

Jaebum knitted his brow, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he leaned on the kitchen’s cabinet, thinking. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s spring, sweetheart,” Jaebum grinned, “and also to celebrate our date tomorrow. You haven’t forgotten, right?”

Right, that date. It had been almost a month since he agreed to Jaebum’s unreasonable condition. It was always getting pushed back thanks to their piled up assignments and project, but since the semester had almost ended, they were finally free. Jinyoung looked down, nervously fumbling with the paper edge. “Do we really have to do it?”

Jaebum frowned. “What? Don’t tell me you change your mind. You can’t pull back your promise, you’ve agreed to it.”

“I know, but…”

Jaebum walked up to Jinyoung, gently lifting his chin so he met with his eyes. He looked so sad and Jinyoung felt something tugged at his heart. “Do you really hate going on a date with me that much?”

“No! That’s not it,” Jinyoung let his book fall free to the couch, forgetting that he hadn’t marked the last page he read yet. He took Jaebum’s hand in his, holding it tightly, cursing himself for making the other misunderstood. “It’s just, I never go on any date before, so I don’t know what to do. The way it’s put out as a date makes me nervous. Can’t we just hangout like we always do?”

Jaebum’s eyes popped wide, stunned. “You’ve never gone on dates?”

Jinyoung nodded, blushing, for the first time feeling embarrassed of his nonexistent love life.

“Not even once?”

Jinyoung nodded, blushing even deeper.

“So tomorrow is your first? So  _ I’m  _ your first date?”

Jinyoung nodded again, and a wide grin beaming up Jaebum’s face, his eyes disappeared into crescent. The pinkhead raised their hands together, kissing the back of Jinyoung’s hand while smiling playfully, and he stopped breathing.

“Don’t worry, leave it to me. I’ll give you a first date you’ll never forget your whole life.”

 

\--

 

Jinyoung tossed and turned on his bed, unable to stay still. He couldn’t sleep, and it was still too early anyway. He just turned in early because he was too nervous being around Jaebum. He could’ve treated tomorrow as a another hangout instead of a date, but that was the problem, he couldn’t. He wondered what would be different? Would it be different because of the way Jaebum treated him? Would Jaebum treat him differently? Not as a friend, but as a date? How did Jaebum treat all his date? He remembered how the other kissed his hand, and he felt the blood in his veins rushed to his face. Was that Jaebum treating him as a friend? Or a date?

They were all firsts for him, he didn’t know what to do or what to take. No one had ever treat him like Jaebum did, even before that. Jackson was clingy with him, but the way Jaebum being touchy with him felt different. And Jackson sure often praised him a little over the top to the point it was embarrassing, but Jaebum’s compliments embarrassed him in a different way. Jaebum kept saying he was beautiful, and Jackson definitely never said that. Did Jaebum do that to all his friends? Everything about Jaebum was confusing to him.

And why did he agreed to that ridiculous condition anyway? It wasn’t like he was really curious about it he would die. He didn’t know, his mind just went blank at that time, and before he realized he already nodded his head. Why did he always become weird whenever he was around Jaebum? He was never like this around anyone else. It wasn’t even the first time someone trying to approach him, and he always paid no mind to it. Yet why it was so hard to do when it came to Jaebum? Wait, did Jaebum even interested in him? And why did it even matter to him, when he never cared about it before? Did he like him?

Jinyoung shook his head so hard he almost got a cramp on his neck. No. He never fell in love before, and when he did, it wouldn’t be with someone whose life was dedicated in colors, like Jaebum. He shouldn’t. They’re way too different, like two side of a coin.

Too many thoughts filled his mind and he ended up fell asleep with too many questions unanswered until almost dawn. When he woke up, Jaebum was already gone. He was confused for a while, with slight disappointment he would never admit, until he found a note stuck on the fridge with a magnet.

**_Gotta go to get something real quick. Get ready, I’ll pick you up later!_ **

Jinyoung breathed a sigh of relief. He didn’t know what kind of face he should make when he saw him, and somehow that day he felt ashamed to let Jaebum see his shabby out-of-the-bed appearance even though the other already saw it everyday. Either way he was quite glad he had some time to prepare himself, and Jaebum would come back to pick him up anyway so everything was okay.

Fresh from the bath, he was staring at his monochrome wardrobe even to normal eyes at the moment, thinking what to wear that day. Not a single gray visible among his clothes. He didn’t want to look funny for possibly wearing mismatched clothes, so he settled to the only two colors he knew. As Jackson said, nothing would go wrong with black and white, convenient and easy.

He took out a long-sleeved black tee, only to hang them back inside because he thought maybe it was too casual. He also put back the white button up since he thought it was too formal. After going through the cycle of taking and putting back clothes, he ended up slouching on his bed wearing white knitted sweater with a pair black slim jeans snacking on a chocolate bar, all ready to go anytime Jaebum came back, which happened fifteen minutes later.

A message arrived, telling him to come down. He took his phone, wallet, and after contemplating a little bit, the bucket hat with him before he left the apartment. When he reached outside, he found Jaebum leaning on a white pickup car with a wide red stripe circling around the body, grinning as he saw him. He felt like a fool for pondering over his clothes so much when the other casually wearing white hoodie where Popeye proudly showing off his bicep on his chest, knee-length jeans, and sneakers. The bright haired boy bowed down when he closed in, one hand opening the door and another over his stomach.

“I’ve arrived with a royal carriage for our dear prince,” he said. Jinyoung laughed, hitting his shoulder playfully.

“Where do you get this?”

Jaebum straightened up, arms crossed over his chest, smirking smugly. “I’m just this capable of a man who can just get a car whenever I want, you know.”

Jinyoung scorned at that. “If that makes you happy, I’ll say I believe you. I can do at least that much. And it’s not even a car, it’s a truck.”

Jaebum laughed. “This is my uncle’s. I often borrow this to bring all the equipments needed whenever I perform. Are you satisfied? Now, get in.”

Jaebum closed the door for him after he did, and got into the driver seat himself. Jinyoung sat there, staring at his lap as nervousness started kicking back in, being in a closed, narrow space just the two of them. Suddenly he heard Jaebum chuckled.

“Aren’t you going to fasten your seat belt? Or are you waiting for me to do that for you? Alright then.”

Jinyoung jolted back to the back rest as an arm slid across him. He looked at Jaebum to protest, only to be silenced from finding the other’s face so close to him. He only realized he held his breath when he exhaled deeply after his seat belt was fastened with a click and Jaebum moved away from him to fasten his own seat belt. He started the engine and connected his phone to the car audio. Smooth tunes of an r&b song began flowing through the speaker, filling the car gently and soothed Jinyoung’s nervousness away.

“Okay, let’s go~” Jaebum released the brake and the car finally started moving. He was humming along with every song that was played, and Jinyoung didn’t disturb him with talking because he liked hearing him. Maybe Jaebum was right, he really was his biggest fan. However, when they were stopped for a little while by the traffic lamp, he felt the other staring at him and he couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“What?”

Jaebum smiled, amused, turning his head to the front as he stepped on the pedal to get the car moving again. “You’re wearing my hat.”

Jinyoung looked away, hiding his cheeks that were blushed for sure. “I just felt like we’re going to be outside for a long time, and I don’t feel like wearing sunglasses, so I put this on. And by the way, it’s no longer yours since you said you gave it to me, so it’s mine now.”

Jaebum laughed. “Easy, Jinyoung, no one wants to steal that hat from you? Are you always this possessive?”

Jinyoung shrugged. “Dunno, maybe. Where are we going anyway?”

Jaebum smirked, half mysterious half mischievous. “A place you would really like. It’s true that it’s outdoor though.”

Not wanting to waste his energy, knowing the other wouldn’t budge, he didn’t argue. He couldn’t stop his yawn, sleepy from feeling too comfortable and lacking sleep. Jaebum chuckled.

“I thought you slept early last night.”

_ Crap.  _ Jinyoung didn’t answer, didn’t know how. Why did he seem to always embarrass himself in front of Jaebum?

“Just take a nap, it’s going to take a little while for us to reach there.”

Feeling embarrassed and sleepy, he shut his eyes close. Jaebum lowered the volume of the audio, and didn’t make a sound after that.

“Don’t stop,” Jinyoung said, “I like hearing your voice.”

There was nothing but silence for a minute, and then a deep, melodious hum vibrated through the air, a lullaby that escorted him to the dreamland only to find Jaebum again there, smiling brightly at him.

 

\--

 

“Jinyoung, we’re almost here.”

Those four words dragged him back to the real world. He sluggishly forced his heavy eyes to open. However, the scenery that welcomed him blew the haze in his mind away and his mouth gaped in awe.

In front of him was endless chain of cherry blossom trees, softly swayed by the wind. Jinyoung opened the window, stuck out his head and filled his lungs with the sweet scent. He rested his arms on the edge of the aperture left by the window, leaning his head on them.

“It’s so pretty,” he exhaled.

“Look over here, Jinyoung,” he heard Jaebum say. He turned his head around, only to gasp in amazement from seeing the waving sparkles in between the trees. He almost screamed.

“We’re going to the sea?!”

“Well, you kept whining on how you miss the sea at your hometown, so I figure this will do. Do you like  it?”

Jinyoung felt the tips of his mouth hanging up high to his ear as he nodded excitedly. He never expected Jaebum to take it seriously. Jaebum’s features softened into a gentle smile, looking at him straight into his eyes before focusing back to the road.

“It’s good then.”

Jinyoung stared at the guy driving behind the wheel, trying to figure him out with a mixed feelings. He was so thankful toward the other, yet at the same time he wondered why did he go to such extent for him, why did he always so gentle to him. Jaebum was like a book with not Hangul or even Latin but Russian alphabet text, so foreign he couldn’t understand a word. Or maybe he was just too stupid to understand.

“What? Am I too cool you can’t take your eyes away?”

Jinyoung scoffed. “You wish. By the way, your hair… it really is the same shade as the cherry blossom.”

It was true. In his eyes, his hair was the same gray as the cherry blossom. Jaebum laughed.

“So I’ve become a walking cherry blossom tree now? Okay then, I’ll become one that won’t wither even when the spring ends.”

A few minutes later, they entered the beach and Jaebum parked the car facing the opposite of the sea. They decided to just leave their shoes in the car, so as soon as Jinyoung stepped down from the car, he could feel the soft texture of the sand against his sinking feet. He already rolled his jeans to his knees so it wouldn’t get dirtied. He took a deep breath, inhaling the salty ocean scent he had been missing as much as possible. Dust of light scattered all over the sea blinking at him, seducing him to get closer. So he did.

He walked down to the shore, letting the cold water bit on his naked feet. The chilly sea breeze gently brushed his skin, playfully trying to blow his hat away yet fortunately not strong enough to do that. It was quiet and peaceful, not many people was there since the weather was still a little cold. Any other noise was drowned by the sound of racing waves, so familiar it untied every knots in his body, mind, and heart.

A clicking sound surprised him, and he turned around to find Jaebum, with a backpack hanging over his shoulders, holding a small, black camera, looking at him through the viewfinder. Even after that, the shutter sound still continued to be released every few seconds before Jinyoung grabbed the other’s arm and pulled it down.

“Stop it! I must’ve looked ugly.”

“Nope,” Jaebum smiled, “you look beautiful and adorable and magnificent background makes you look even more dazzling, that’s why I took it.”

Jinyoung turned back and walked ahead, hiding the face that must’ve became the same hue as Jaebum’s hair. The way Jaebum could say things like that easily with a straight face was something he could never comprehend. Whether he really meant those words or not was lost to him.

He could feel Jaebum’s presence beside him, following him as he trailed along the drenched sand across the shore. Repeated cycle of the crawling tide caressed their feet as it ebbed down before crawling up again was soothing. None of them say a word, just silently enjoying the humble beauty of the scenery, the tranquil air, and each other company. However, all of a sudden Jinyoung noticed that Jaebum wasn’t beside him anymore. Bewildered, he looked around and found Jaebum crouching a few steps behind him.

“What are you doing?”

Jaebum looked up, beaming in childish happiness that revealed rows of pearly white teeth and hid his eyes in a pair of crescent moon. He held out the thing he picked out from the ground, excitedly showed it to Jinyoung.

“Look, it’s so pretty, isn’t it?”

Jinyoung bent down, studying the seashell on the other’s palm, and hummed in agreement. It was indeed pretty. He watched as the bright-haired man put the seashell back on the sand and took a photo of it with his camera.

“You’re not keeping it?” Jinyoung asked, curious.

Jaebum shook his head and smiled. “There are many who need it more than me with their life hanging on the line.”

He looked so sweet and endearing that it broke Jinyoung’s face into a fond smile. He patted Jaebum’s head, his hand slid smoothly over the silky hair.

“Good boy, good boy,” he said, half teasing.

“What am I, a puppy?” Jaebum pouted, yet made no move to remove his hand. Jinyoung laughed.

“Let’s look for more,” he said, and was met with a dumbfounded face.

“You’re okay with that?” Jaebum asked, making him confused.

“What do you mean?”

Jaebum shrugged. “My friends always thought it’s boring, why bother searching for it when you’re just gonna leave it. They said it’s a waste of time, you don’t get anything from it.”

“Well, for me it’s not. It felt like treasure hunting. We get to see many kinds of beautiful gems of the sea, and we do keep them. We capture them in our memory at their prettiest, that way it’s beauty will remain forever. Isn’t that right?”

Jaebum didn’t reply for a minute, and then the corners of his mouth slowly curled up tenderly. “Right.”

Jinyoung grinned, satisfied, and held out his hand. “Okay then, let’s go!”

Jaebum accepted his hand and Jinyoung pulled him up. They started looking for seashells and more. They took picture of whatever caught their interest, crab’s footprint, strange looking marine plants, anything. They even got lucky enough to see sea turtle. They got lost in time and without realizing a few hours had passed already. However, when Jinyoung walked over the tide, a sharp pain suddenly shot across his leg from his sole. The leg lost its strength and he landed hard on the sand. He checked and found about a centimeter cut on the ball of his feet. It was small, yet it stung as hell.

“What happened?” Jaebum asked, his face distorted in worry. Jinyoung tried to smile.

“Nothing, just a small cut,” he said.

Jaebum frowned. “A small cut like that hurts the most when sea water gets in, you know.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he tried to get up, but the throbbing pain on his tailbone in addition to the sting on his sole made him fall back down. He grimaced, waiting for the pain to pass. But all of a sudden a wide back filled his vision, and both his arms pulled across the shoulders.

“Hold on tight,” Jaebum said before lifting up his thighs and his whole weight with him, and Jinyoung instinctively did just that so he wouldn’t fall. He was too dumbfounded to say anything and before he knew it, the other had already started walking.

“Hey, it’s fine, I can walk,” he said after he found his voice back.

“No it’s not, and you can’t. Just be quiet and enjoy the ride, okay?”

Jinyoung didn’t argue further, knowing Jaebum enough that he knew he wouldn’t be let down anytime soon. And if the other was to carry him all the way to the truck, he wasn’t about to make Jaebum waste his energy arguing. The least he could do was staying still so he wouldn’t add more unnecessary burden.

It was the first time he was physically this close to anyone. He could see beads of sweat streaming down the pale skin, he could smell the scent of his shampoo, the scent of his cologne. He could hear him breathing in and out, he could sense his warmth all over his body, he could feel every move he made. Almost all of his senses was filled with Jaebum, and along with every step the bright-haired man took, the stronger his heart pounded against his chest that it started to hurt, yet he didn’t know how to control it.

The truck was finally in sight, and before long Jaebum had already opened the tailgate and sat Jinyoung on the edge of the cargo bed. He squatted down and put down the bag dangling over his torso, opened the zipper and rummaged through it before taking out a bottle of water and a small box. He took Jinyoung’s wounded feet and washed it clean from sand. He opened the box, revealing a bottle of antiseptic liquid and bandages. He let a drip of the liquid fall on the cut, making Jinyoung winced from its sting. Jaebum gently blew on it, tickling his skin and soothing the pain at the same time. The man then covered the cut with a bandage, a cartoon one with faces of animals on it, bringing a chuckle out of Jinyoung’s throat. What an animal lover.

“It’s cute,” he said.

Jaebum didn’t reply, instead asking, “Are you hungry?”

Only then he realized that yes, he was hungry, and was reminded of the fact that he only had a chocolate bar that morning, so he nodded. Jaebum stood up and sat beside him, taking out three plastic containers and two pairs of chopsticks from his bag. Jinyoung’s eyes widen as the other opened the lids. Inside the containers were filled with kimbap, tuna pancake, and cubed radish kimchi.

“You prepared all these?” Jinyoung asked in amazement. Jaebum, however, didn’t answer. Usually at this moment he would’ve playfully showed off how capable he was. That was when Jinyoung noticed something was wrong.

“Hey, what’s happened?”

It took a moment for Jaebum to answer. “I’m just… upset,” he said, sighed.

“Upset? At me?” Jinyoung asked anxiously. Well, he did ruin the day with being careless and getting hurt.

“No,” Jaebum shook his head, “I’m upset at myself. I’m upset that I let my sight off of you. I’m upset that I let you hurt yourself. If I were beside you then, it wouldn’t have happened.”

Jinyoung was at loss of words at the confession. Why was Jaebum beating himself over a small cut caused by his own foolishness?

“Why are you blaming yourself? It’s not your fault, it’s me who was careless.”

“But I could’ve prevented it.”

Jinyoung smiled, touched by how much the other care about him. He put his hand over the Jaebum’s hair, stroking it lightly.

“It’s only a small cut, alright? I’m fine. Let’s not ruin our date further with gloomy mood, okay?”

Jaebum slowly nodded, and a smiling hesitantly. Jinyoung sighed, knowing the bright-haired man wasn’t completely over it yet. He took a pair of chopsticks and started eating, complimenting the food in every bite earnestly to make Jaebum feel better and because the food was truly delicious. However, he was only met with subtle response, and he snapped his chopsticks in frustration.

“If you really feel guilty, sing me a song, and then we’re even.”

Jaebum knitted his eyebrow in surprise and confusion. “A song? What song?”

“Whatever you want.”

Jaebum was silent for a while, and when his mouth opened again, the sweet, honeyed voice was dripping in melodious notes.

 

_ When I first saw you, it was very different _ _   
_ _ I want to talk to you –  _ _   
_ _ Every time you smile, I find this out _ _   
_ _ Now every time I see you, my heart gets so big _ _   
_ _ Now all my time will be spent always laughing with you, _ _   
_ _ Longing for this night, wanting more out of a day _ _   
_ _ As I wait for you _ _   
_ _   
_ _ What do I do? I’m still so bad at this _ _   
_ _ But my feelings have leaked and my heart grew bigger _ _   
_ _ And it keeps leaking _ _   
_ _   
_ _ When you’re not here, it’s painful _ _   
_ _ I want to tell you how I feel _ _   
_ _ When I close my eyes, I picture you again _ _   
_ _ Now each time I breathe, you become so big _ _   
_ _ Now all my love will be spent always laughing with you, _ _   
_ _ Longing for this night, wanting more out of a day _ _   
_ _ As I wait for you _ _   
_ _   
_ _ What do I do? I’m still so bad at this _ _   
_ _ But my feelings have leaked and my heart grew bigger _ _   
_ _ And it keeps leaking _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Beautiful you, I tried to hold it in but _ _   
_ _ The night is getting dark and loneliness is coming _ _   
_ _   
_ _ What do I do? I’m still so bad at this _ _   
_ _ But my feelings have leaked and my heart grew bigger _ _   
_ _ And it keeps leaking a little bit more _ _   
_ _ I tried to hold it in but _ _   
_ __ My heart has grown bigger and your heart has grown bigger

 

Jinyoung put his chopsticks down to give Jaebum a wholehearted applause when he finished. It was still as good performance as ever, although there was no accompaniment and he wasn’t dancing. They weren’t the reason it felt weird. It was his choice of a song. Usually, Jaebum would sang old western song, so this was the first time Jinyoung heard the other singing a korean song, and although it wasn’t really new, it wasn’t that old either.

“Why do you choose that song? Are you unable to forget your first love?” he asked, trying to say it in joking manner. However, he never expected the other to nod, and he felt his heart twinged a little bit.

“Who… are they?” he asked nervously, half curious half not wanting to hear. He didn’t knew what he should feel when Jaebum’s story started flowing out of the gap between his lips.

“Back when I was still a middle school student, on a rainy day that fell upon the last of cherry blossoms, I saw a boy crouched at the edge of the neighborhood lane, holding a transparent umbrella. He was so achingly beautiful, outshining the fallen cherry blossoms which scattered all around him, and on his umbrella. It was the opposite, they made him looked even more ethereal in my eyes. I was wondering what he was doing there, and started worrying that he might be sick. So I approach him, and when I got close, I saw a kitten curling at the box beside him. I asked if he threw away the cat and he shook his head, saying that the cat wasn’t him. He said he couldn’t bring it home since his sister was allergic to cats, so the least he could do was protecting the kitten from the rain. I said I would bring it home then, but he stopped me. Do you know what he said?” Jaebum chuckled at the memory.

“He said if I’m not going to keep it anyway, the cat better stayed outside. If the cat was given warmth only to be thrown away in the cold again, the cold would feel harsher. At the moment I realized why he didn’t touch the kitten at all. I assured him that I’ll keep it, telling him that my whole family was a cat lover. And just like that, I became a captive of his seraphic smile. Funny, isn’t it, that it only took a few minutes for me to fall for him, yet it took my whole life to forget him. Well, to be fair, I didn’t even try,” Jaebum laughed, and Jinyoung’s heart clenched at the slight bitterness in it. The longing for someone was something he couldn’t understand since he never felt it, but feeling it for years sounded painful, and he hated seeing Jaebum in pain.

“I thought it was just a fleeting feeling, so I let him go without a second thought. But I keep on remembering him, as clear as the day, wishing hopelessly that I could meet him again. As I was with another, I kept thinking about him. And when that hopeless wish come true, from the way I recognized him from the first glance, I knew I’m hopeless. I would only have my eyes on one person for the rest of my life. That was why I’ll never let him go again.”

Jinyoung felt something cracked inside him. Well, that was another reason why he shouldn’t fall in love with Jaebum. He was glad he was careful, not reading too much into his actions. He changed the topic and continued eating, glad the other wasn’t as gloomy as before. They kept chatting until the sky slowly grew darker and the sun prepared to lay down.

“By the way, you promised you’d tell me about our first time meeting each other. Now, tell me.”

Jaebum smiled. “I just did,” he said, making Jinyoung confused.

“When? You only told me the story about your first…” a realization suddenly hit him. Memories came back to him in a flash, and then he remembered. The kitten. The boy.  _ Jaebum _ .

“Yeah. The kitten was Nora, and the boy was you,” Jaebum said, confirming it further. Jinyoung felt like his heart was about to break out of his ribcage. He avoid the other’s eyes, trying to hide his burning face, but Jaebum wouldn’t let him. He gently lifted Jinyoung’s face to meet his gaze, and his face slowly got closer until he could feel the warmth of his breath against his skin. Jaebum hovered over his lips for a few seconds, as if giving him a chance to push him away, before lightly touching them with his. Maybe Jinyoung should really have pushed him away, yet he only closed his eyes and let Jaebum deepened the kiss, basking in the taste of Jaebum’s soft lips against his. Small pulses of electricity flowed through his body and he felt lightheaded.

Maybe he made a mistake. He wasn’t careful enough. And maybe he was already doomed to fall for Jaebum since the day he gave him the bucket hat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So finally... their first kiss. And wow, this chapter is so long! I didn't even realize it when I wrote it. I think I'm too immersed in writing their interaction. Please bear with it ;) Anyway, thanks for reading! What do you think? I hope you like it!
> 
> Song: Busker Busker - First Love


	6. Green

Jinyoung threw himself on the space next to Jaebum over the couch as soon as he got home. His muscles were screaming, his bones were cracking, his mind was wrung dry. He reached over the bag of potato chips on Jaebum's lap, crunching two of them with his teeth. The other diverted his attention from the variety show broadcasted on TV and watched him with sympathy.

"Tired?" Jaebum asked, not really needing an answer, just giving him a chance to complain. Jinyoung sighed and close his eyes.

"Well, you know how crowded it is at the restaurant every weekend, especially on Saturday night. There's no break and I'm on my heels throughout my shift. And I brought an order to a wrong table because the cook misinformed me when he gave me that. The customer happened to be a cranky old man who made a big fuss over it and I ended up getting told off by the manager after my shift. So yeah, I'm thoroughly tired and since my energy has been drained, I'm totally hungry."

Jaebum chuckled, "Alright, alright. What do you want to eat?"

"Ramyeon would be nice."

"Just ramyeon? Okay, I'll make a special one for you."

Jinyoung felt the weight disappear from beside him, and he smiled. He actually thought of just a simple ramyeon, but hearing Jaebum would make a special one for him make him look forward to it, wondering what kind of ramyeon Jaebum would make, and it lighten up his mood a little bit. He could hear every single sound from the kitchen before it silenced. Then he sighed in appreciation as fingers all of a sudden gently pressing on his temple and the crown of his head. He let the fingers pushed him forward as they climbed down to his neck and massaged his shoulder, unraveling the knots. He whined as the fingers disappeared, but they quickly appeared again on his jaw to pulled him back to the backrest and his eyes opened wide when he felt a pair of soft lips on his. Jaebum pulled up with a grin on his face.

"Payment," he said before going back to the boiling water at the kitchen, leaving Jinyoung with the dumb face he made. Only after his mind could register what had happened his heart started beating again, seemingly trying to make up for the beatings it lost since it pounded rapidly. It sounded so loud in his ears, drowning the sound of television. Since their first kiss (and his very first kiss as well), Jaebum never shy away from touching him, constantly giving him sudden attack such as hugging him from the back, cuddling him on the couch, holding his hand when they walked together, and kissing him on any part of his exposed skin, like earlier. Usually though, it was always his nape, cheeks, or forehead. That was the first time he kissed him on the lips after that time at the beach.

His heartbeat barely returned to normal when a strange yet pleasant smell hit his nose, and Jaebum was back with a bowl of ramyeon which grey was slightly different from how it usually was.

"What did you put in?" Jinyoung asked.

"Maesaengi (seaweed fulvescens). It smells good, right?"

Jinyoung hummed in agreement as he brought the bowl close to his nose, relishing in the scent. "It smells like sea and spring. Just like..."

"... our first date?" Jaebum cut him off with a knowing smirk.

"No, I was going to say home," Jinyoung said, though it wasn't really the truth. It indeed reminded him of their first date, the scent of cherry blossom and salty sea fused together, and how Jaebum's cologne got into the mixing. Jinyoung put down the bowl and took his chopstick, wishing the burning on his cheek could be passed off as getting hot from the steam.

"Itadakimasu~"

He started eating, and he moaned at the taste. It did has sea flavor, and it freshened his body up. He gobbled up the food in front of him, half from hunger half from the taste.

"Hey, ease down, eat slowly or you would get choked up again."

Jinyoung stopped eating for a moment, taking a breath as he slowly chew the food inside his mouth. "But it's so delicious, I can't help it."

Suddenly a thumb brushed over his lips, wiping the soup that was smeared all over his mouth and chin from how messy he ate. He watched dumbfoundedly when Jaebum brought the thumb to his own mouth and humming as he sucked on it.

"It really is delicious. It's the first time I try making this after I watched it on TV, so I didn't know how it would taste. I'm glad it turns out okay."

Again, the sudden attack. He could never get used to this. He didn't know how to react, so he quietly finished his ramyeon, slower this time, took a bath and turned himself in for the night.

\--

"Jinyoung, tell me what did you do to Jaebum."

That was the first thing Jackson said to Jinyoung when the earlier sat beside him at the campus cafeteria. His hand stopped right before his lunch made it into his mouth and raised one of his eyebrow, confused.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what did you do to make Im Jaebum blushes and becomes giddy like a teenage girl in love whenever your name is mentioned."

Jinyoung's mouth gaped in disbelief. Jaebum never blushed in front of him, and he definitely was never giddy. He felt his cheeks heated up as put down his chopsticks and said, "Stop making up things, Jackson. I can't even imagine it."

"It's so unimaginable and uncharacteristic of him, that's why it's even more shocking. He was always indifferent even when he was dating, and now look at him. What did you do to him that he became like that? Be honest with me, you're actually studying black magic instead of how to analyze poetry, right?"

Jinyoung scoffed. "Maybe, should I turn you into a frog? You can start praying Mark wouldn't mind kissing a frog his whole life."

"Can't you at least turn me into a gorilla? They're cool, I could keep my muscles and have a nice ass as a plus. And I would be taller than Mark too, isn't that nice?"

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and continued eating. "Very well."

"Okay, back to the original topic. You know, he beams up whenever the topic about you arises, and he always bugs me about things you like and dislike. You don't know how stressful it is to answer his every questions. And for your information, he was the one who asked me first about the lease of my room when I showed him your picture. Maybe he was already interested in you that time. So, how is it? Do you finally remember him?"

He nodded. "Do you remember the bucket hat's owner I had been looking for? It's him."

Jackson's eyes widen. "So that ugly hat is his? No wonder I felt like I've seen it before!"

Jinyoung waved his chopsticks. " _Was_ his. It's mine now, he gave it to me."

Jackson clicked his tongue and shook his head. "Look at you, being so possessive over a bucket hat that's not your style at all. Guess Jaebum's not the only one who has became weird. So that's the only time you met him before he came to the apartment?"

Jinyoung shook his head. He actually didn't want to tell Jackson about his first meeting with Jaebum since it was so embarrassing. But he knew Jackson wouldn't stop bugging him about it, so he told him. About the rain, the cat, and Jaebum, although using much different words from when Jaebum told him. He couldn't possibly call himself beautiful, right?

When he finished telling the story, Jackson was staring at him with gaped mouth. "That's right. Now that I think about it, he did say that he used to live at Busan for some time. Damn, so he's been in love with you for, what, eight years? So you're the reason his relationships never worked out."

Jinyoung frowned. "Hey, now you make me feel like shit. What do you mean by that?"

Jackson scratched his chin. He always did that whenever he was nervous about something, but in the end he told Jinyoung anyway. "Well, he's pretty selfish, you know. He only cares about the things he loves. His family, his little circle of close friends, art, and dancing. He never cares much about other things, that was why he never approached someone first. At first he still accepted when people confessed to him. But that's the thing, they aren't included in his list to begin with, only people who didn't know what kind of person he really is and only attracted to his seemingly chic and politely friendly attitude. He would date them, but they would always come second to his priority. When they started demanding more attention from him, he would broke things off with them."

"After a few times, he thought dating is a hassle to the things he loved and a waste of time since it always ended the same way, which led to him against dating anyone. But now, look at him being all over you, caring about what you're thinking, doing whatever he can to get close to you. All this time I thought that was the only reason, however only now I truly understand why he couldn't bring himself to care and love all his exes. It's because he can't forget about you and still hoping to meet you again. I'm glad it came true."

Jinyoung processed all the information Jackson gave him, feeling guilty to all Jaebum's exes because he was so happy to hear those all. Who wouldn't be happy knowing someone love him that much? The knowledge, however, also feeding the seed of fear inside him. Jackson then continued to ask, "Now, what about you? Aren't you together?"

Jinyoung put down his chopsticks, losing all his appetite, and sighed. "I don't know."

Jackson frowned. "Why, do you dislike him?"

"Even worse, Jackson. I fall in love with him."

Jackson knitted his eyebrow, confused. "Then it's all good, right? Why is it bad?"

"Because I become addicted to him, Jackson. I'm addicted to his touch, I'm addicted to his voice, I'm addicted to his scent, I'm addicted to his existence, I'm addicted to all of him. He's like a green fairy to me, a glass of dangerously addicting absinthe that makes me crazy."

"Wait, what's with these green fairy and absinthe? Don't tell me it's another one of your literary thing again. Also, isn't that what everyone feels when they fall in love? I'm addicted to Mark, too. It's normal, Jinyoung."

"It is, but I'm not normal, Jackson. The one he loves is the middle school me who he didn't know anything about. Then he came to know about my disability. Now it might still be okay, while in his eyes I'm still beautified with the memories of his first love. But how about later, when that filter was broken and he finally realized he couldn't share the thing he loves the most with me? I've seen him painting, Jackson. He's someone whose world is surrounded by colors, more than anyone else, and he can't live without them. Remember the movie we watched together, Upside Down? They're so close, yet they live in two different worlds way opposite to each other. Well, of course everything ended up well and they got together, but it was a movie. Reality, though, didn't work that well. If he think I am a waste of time and leave me when I'm far too addicted to him, I'll die."

At this point, tears had already trickled down his cheek. Saying what he had been fearing of made those feelings even more real. With every words he could really imagine it happen, and it tore his heart apart. Jackson pulled him into his arms and let him ruin his shirt with his tears, patting his back gently trying to comfort him. However, Jackson not refuting any of his statement only hurt him more, since it could only mean he thought that it was possible for Jaebum to do. After all, he knew Jaebum longer than him. So he cried his tears dry on Jackson's shoulder, ignoring the stares people pointed at him.

\--

After that day he poured his heart out to Jackson, he started avoiding Jaebum. All those time he had always been hesitant, his craving of the other male won over his judgement. He had, however, decided to stop this all for once. He knew he had already fallen too deep into the chasm, but he needed to find a foothold to stop himself from falling deeper and try to climb back up to the top of the cliff. Better late than never, right?

That was why he took more part time job in addition of the one he already had. He either already gone by the time Jaebum woke up or still sleeping when Jaebum went for his class, and he mostly came home after Jaebum fell asleep. Even when he didn't, he always went straight to his room and kept himself there. He also ate outside or make simple dishes by himself. He did everything he could, yet he couldn't stop his feet from taking him to Hongdae at the night Jaebum performed.

He watched from the back of the crowd so Jaebum wouldn't see him. Jaebum was as dazzling as always, yet that night watching their performance hurt. Jaebum was so in harmony with the girl, and he felt jealousy gnawing on his heart.

Jackson had told him about that girl. Her name was Baek Ayeon, from the same major as Jaebum. She wasn't one of Jaebum's ex, but she was closest to Jaebum more than anyone else. They were so similar and comfortable with each other. They had the same passion, art and performing, so they often do things together and share their thought between both of them. They understood each other well. She was the only one whom he still let to stay close to him even after she confessed to him. Jaebum once said she was too important of a friend to lose, so he told her honestly all the reason why he couldn't accept it. She truly respect them and never talk about it again. No one knew whether she still liked Jaebum or not. That was why before knowing about Jinyoung, Jaebum's friends always thought that if Jaebum going to end up with someone, it was her.

That information fumed his burning jealousy, insecurity, fear, and hatred. He hated that she was the perfect girl for Jaebum. Once Jaebum stopped getting deluded by his first love, Jinyoung could never compete with her. At that moment, she was the everything he wanted to be. It was the first time he felt that way, he had always been contented with who he was, and it made him hate himself. Since Jaebum was the reason of it all, he also despised Jaebum as much as he loved him.

He couldn't bear watching them anymore, so after the second song ended, he was going to turn around and left. However, Jaebum's introduction to their next song stopped him.

"The third song is about someone I miss, someone I love so much. Even though there's only small possibility of him listening to this, I still want to sing this for him. I hope you, who listen to this instead of him, would enjoy this."

_*The ruby stone reflects your heart_

_O gentle lover in the art_

_I see in the dark_

_O little diamond, shining star_

_You're so beautiful_

_O so luminal_

_You're unbreakable_

_O, so, beautiful_

_I saw you then, I see you now_

_O bitter truth in your eyes_

_You clear the chaos_

_O day of days, night of nights_

_You're so beautiful_

_O so luminal_

_You're unbreakable_

_O so beautiful_

_You're so beautiful_

_O, so, luminal*_

Unlike the usual, Jaebum sung by himself. It was a song of praise toward someone, yet it sounded so sorrowful. It was as if the adoration itself made him in pain. Maybe he should've felt touched since he knew the song was meant for him, and guilty since he also understood that him avoiding Jaebum most possibly the reason he was hurt. Yet his mind was too occupied wondering whether the song was meant for  _him_ or  _Jaebum's first love_ , though he was convinced that it was the latter.

_Great, I'm even jealous at my past self. How much lower am I going to go?_

_I hate this._

He turned and walked away even before the crowd's cheers died down, didn't look back even once. And he crashed at Wonpil's place for the night, not wanting to come home to where Jaebum was. He only got back to his apartment at the morning. He knew Jaebum had first period that day, so he didn't need to worry about running across the other. But turned out he was wrong.

"Where were you last night?"

Those was the first thing Jaebum asked after he close the door. He hardened his expression, forbidding his feeling to flow through.

"None of your business," he answered harshly, "don't you have first period today?"

Jaebum's face fell, and he looked like he was about to cry Jinyoung had to hold himself back from reaching his hand out to hug him. "So it's true that you're avoiding me," he said, pain evident in his words.

"So what if I am?"

"W-why?" Jaebum seemed shocked and wounded at the same time, not expecting him to admit it blatantly. Hurting Jaebum hurt, so Jinyoung needed to end this fast before his mask crumbled down.

"I don't want to see you. And since you seem like you're not going to leave, I will."

Jinyoung opened the door and left the apartment. However, right before he reached the stairs, Jaebum managed to catch up and stood between them. Jaebum grabbed his shoulders, so hard he couldn't release himself. The black orbs staring at him pleadingly were layered with tears.

"Why? What did I do wrong?"

Jinyoung kept silent, didn't know how to answer that. Because really, Jaebum did nothing wrong. The only problem was Jinyoung himself. Suddenly a pair of arms was wrapped tightly around him, and the familiar scent of Jaebum's cologne filled his nose.

"Please, don't be like this, okay? I love you, Jinyoung, I love you so much. Please don't leave me."

His heart throbbed with venom. Tears started blurring his sight. He wanted to scream, "No, you don't love me, the one you love is the past me that you don't know anything about!" but instead, the one that bursted out from his lungs with all his might was, "I HATE YOU!"

His mind was filled with his own hatred that it was only a moment later that he had pushed Jaebum away. The eyes looking back at him was filled with shock. His hand fly out to reach Jaebum's, but it was too late. The tips of their fingers only brushed for a moment and Jaebum's slipped away before he could grasp them. He could only watch Jaebum fell on the middle of the stairs, rolled down the steps, and landed on the bottom, laying there unmoved.

His heartbeat escalated as he ran down the stairs and knelt beside Jaebum, crying out his name, hoping he would open his eyes and talk to him again. That hope was, however, in vain. Jinyoung sobbed in panic and fear as blood streamed down from Jaebum's head. He took out his phone to call for an ambulance, trying to make his words coherent enough to be understood between his sobs. Maybe he had went crazy, because in the middle of the chaos his mind was in, suddenly a quote from a classic literature piece he read before popped up in the front of his head.

_"O beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on."_

Jaebum was his green fairy who had trapped his eyes, his mind, his heart with his spell until he turned into a monster that threatened the life of his beloved.

_What a vile monster you have become, Park Jinyoung._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song was called 'So Beautiful', sung by Michael Patrick Kelly. The quote was taken from William Shakespeare's play, Othello. And the idea of the ramyeon was from an old episode of Happy Together where 2AM Jo Kwon and Jinwoon guested and made this for a segment. It looked so delicious I wanted to make it but unfortunately couldn't find the ingredients T_T
> 
> Now, I myself keep wondering. JB is my ultimate bias, but why do I always make him suffer in my fics? It's not like I want or like to see him suffer T_T Anyway, I'm sooo excited for their upcoming comeback! I think playful and chill songs like 'Teenager' and 'One and Only You' suit GOT7's vibe the most. Well, I like 'You Are' too but I think it suited JJP's new vibe more than GOT7. I hope 'Look' would have similar vibe too ><
> 
> Okay, enough about my thoughts. How do you think about this chapter? I hope you like it and thanks for reading!


	7. Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fast update ;D

_The winter had passed and the spring has come_ _  
_ _We have withered and our hearts are bruised from longing_   


_(I’m singing my blues)_ _  
_ _Used to the blue tears, blue sorrow_ _  
_ _(I’m singing my blues)_ _  
_ _The love that I have sent away with the floating clouds oh oh_ _  
_ _  
_ _Under the same sky, at different places_ _  
_ _Because you and I are dangerous_ _  
_ _I am leaving you, one letter difference from ‘nim’_ _  
_ _It’s cowardly but I’m hiding because I’m not good enough_ _  
_ _Cruel breakup is like the end of the road of love_ _  
_ _No words can comfort me_ _  
_ _Perhaps my lifetime’s last melodrama_ _  
_ _Now its final curtain is coming down_ _  
_ _  
_ _I was born and I met you and I have loved you to death_ _  
_ _My cold heart that has been dyed blue_ _  
_ _Even with my eyes closed, I can’t feel you_ _  
_   
The winter had passed… *click*

 

“Hey, why do you turn it off?” Wonpil yelled at Jinyoung. They were at Wonpil’s room, the owner on the desk studying for his upcoming exam and Jinyoung on the bed reading a novel he didn’t move a page from since hours ago. His mind was too occupied to get absorbed into the story like he had always been before.

“I hate it. It feels like they’re mocking me.”

That was right. Park Jinyoung was a coward. That day, after the doctor diagnosed Jaebum with a fractured arm and moderate traumatic brain injury, he spent hours of agonizing wait in front of the surgery room. He clenched his hands as hard as his prayer for Jaebum, until the nails that dug into his skin managed to penetrate it and dark blood trickled down to join Jaebum’s own that had dried. Fortunately, his prayer was answered. The surgery was successful and soon enough the injured man passed his critical phase.

After he made sure that Jaebum would live, without even waiting for the patient to regain his consciousness he left him in Jackson’s care, whom he had called before the surgery, and went home. He knew he had lost the right to stay with him after what he did. He packed his things, at least every important things he could bring with him like clothes and books. He knew Jaebum’s parent would come, and he needed to be gone before then. He didn’t have the guts to face them, looking at their resentment when they knew he was the reason their precious son almost died. He couldn’t handle that. Since then, he had been occupying the long sofa at Wonpil’s apartment.

“Why don’t you just go back?” Wonpil asked, sighing. He had already known everything, Jinyoung told him right away after his sudden appearance with his belongings. Being a soft hearted man he was, he cried together with Jinyoung while hugging him tightly that day. Jinyoung finally closed the book in his hands, giving up on trying to read. He stared at the white ceiling over him.

“No. This incident must’ve opened his eyes that I’m not that angel he had imagined of his first love, I’m just a horrible monster. He must’ve hated me now. He would never forgive me, and even if he does, I don’t deserve it. I don’t have the right to see him anymore.”

“Or maybe you should’ve stay with him and do whatever you can to pay for your mistake until you deserve it. I know you’re just scared, Jinyoung. Scared of him pushing you away. But what if you’re wrong? It’s not that easy to completely turn love into hate, you know.”

“He doesn’t even actually love _me_ , Wonpil,” Jinyoung sighed. Everytime he admitted that hammered a new nail on his heart and it hurt.

“Again, it’s just your assumption. What if he sincerely loves the you now? You’re just hurting both Jaebum and yourself for nothing.”

Jinyoung was more than relieved to escape from this topic when his phone was ringing right at that moment. He took his phone and Jackson’s face filled the screen. He swiped the green button and brought the phone over his ear.

“Hello?”

 _“Jaebum is missing, Jinyoung.”_ That information snapped him up from the bed, surprising Wonpil.

“What do you mean? He just got out from the hospital two days ago, right? Maybe he feel bored from being confined inside for long and go for a walk.”

_“He’s not in the condition to do that, Jinyoung, physically and mentally.”_

“What do you mean?”

_“He injured his head, right? It’s affecting his eyes. The doctor said it’s going to be hard for him for dancing or doing detailed tasks like reading or painting. Even after going through treatments, his eyes might not going to be able to go back like how they were before. You know how important they are for him. He also lost some of his memories. He actually doesn’t remember how he got injured, Jinyoung. He remembers me and Mark but forgets our name. He forgets which door his apartment is. I’m afraid something might happen to him, or worse, he does something foolish.”_

Jinyoung’s heart stopped. He felt tears welling up on his eyes. What had he done to Jaebum? How could he make Jaebum suffer that much? He couldn’t even imagine how devastated Jaebum was.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Jackson? Why only now…”

_“He asked me. I don’t want to hurt him, so I lied to him that you just go back to your hometown, that’s why you’re not here. He told me not to tell you because you would be worried. And I didn’t want you to blame yourself more. I’m still hoping you would come to see him, that’s why. If you knew, your guilt would get bigger and you would run away even more. I don’t want that.”_

Jinyoung choked up on his tears. How could Jaebum still care for him after everything he had done? He really despised himself. Jaebum deserved much better that this.

_“Calm down, Jinyoung, you could grief over this after we find Jaebum. Me and the others have searched over every place we know he frequents with no result. Do you know some place he might go to? Maybe somewhere you went to just the two of you?”_

He snuffled, trying to clear his mind to think. The place he might go to… the place they went together…

He might know where he was.

 

\--

 

By the time Jinyoung arrived, it was already 5 pm. The road he passed through was no longer surrounded by cherry blossom, and the only smell that filled his nose as he stepped out of the taxi was the salty scent of the ocean. He didn’t even care his shoes was dirtied by the sand, he only focused on searching for Jaebum. He breathed a sigh of relief when he finally the familiar figure sprawled on the sand. However, it turned to worry when the figure stayed unmoved even when the tide reached past his knee, the fabric of his jeans soaked wet. How long had he stayed like this? Was he alright? What if he catch a cold? Did he lose consciousness again? Many different thought filled his head as he ran up to Jaebum and knelt beside him.

Jaebum’s eyes was closed, dark circles surrounding them. The hair was cut quite short that the only color left was its original color, black threads swayed by the wind. His arm was encased in a cast, a sling connected it to his neck. The tears stung inside Jinyoung’s eyes as he lightly run his fingers on the sunken cheek, indicating how much weight Jaebum had lost in just a little more than a week. Why did Jaebum has to be the one who paid and suffered for his mistake? Why did they had to meet each other? If they didn’t meet this wouldn’t have happened. Jaebum deserved much more than a spineless monster who can only hurt the person he loved.

Suddenly another hand grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand away. The pair of eyes that revealed themselves no longer had the spark and warmth inside them as they stared at him, like a knife slicing through his heart.

“Why are you here?”

The voice that cut through the air was so cold, Jinyoung’s skin crawled from the chill. Jaebum had never talk to him like that before, and it was scary.

“I-I… I’m looking for you...”

“Why?”

“You haven’t completely recovered yet, Jaebum… everyone’s worried. Let’s go home.”

“What about you?”

“Huh?”

Jaebum sat up without releasing either his hand or his gaze. “Are you also worried about me?”

Jinyoung knitted his eyebrows, confused. “Of course I am, I wouldn’t be here if I’m not.”

“Why would you worried over someone you hate?”

Jinyoung’s heart shrunk, his breath halted. He tried to pull his hand, but Jaebum’s tightened grip wouldn’t allow him.

“It’s a lie that you went back to your hometown, isn’t it? I remember everything now. You hate me so much that you didn’t even come to see me after you pushed me away, so why would you get worried now?”

His lungs failed to form any words, choked by the lump in his throat, and he started shaking from the weight of hurt in Jaebum’s words. Jaebum finally released his hand, yet it couldn’t move an inch from where Jaebum left it hanging on the air. Jaebum stood up and brushed the sand off of his jeans with his healthy hand.

“Jackson sends you here, right? No need to burden yourself with someone you hate. Just leave me alone.”

Jinyoung sat there frozen, gasping for words he couldn’t form. Jaebum, however, unwilling to hear more of him and started to walk away. Jinyoung went after him and caught his wrist.

“T-that’s not what I mean,” Jinyoung stammered, “It’s not that I hate you, Jaebum, I’m just… I’m just…”

“What?” Jaebum snapped at him, jerking his hand off of Jinyoung’s grip. “Why didn’t you come to see me even once if you didn’t hate me?”

“I know… I know that you detest me, but please… let’s go home, okay? You’re not well enough to wander around like this, Jaebum,” Jinyoung pleaded, stubbornly held the other’s hand again. Jaebum’s laugh was dripping with sarcasm that was like venom to Jinyoung’s heart.

“Me? Detest you? Are you sure it’s not the other way around? Fine, you’re right. I detest you, _loathe_ you, so much. Do you know why?”

Jinyoung looked down, letting go of Jaebum’s hand. “Because… because I took your most precious things away… I took painting and dancing away from you when I knew it meant the world to you...”

“You did took them away from me, but it’s the other thing you stole from me that made me hurt the most.”

Jinyoung looked up, his eyes was locked to the heart-wrenching expression painted on the other’s face as he stared faraway into the horizon.

“I know you can’t see it, but this world is filled with blue colors. The sea, the sky, the faraway mountain, they’re all blue. You’ll always see blue wherever you go, unless you’re confined in a closed room. Blue is the most essential color in people’s life. And now the blue in my world was bleeding red along with the sun that fall down, until it disappears beneath the earth, leaving my world in the dark night. Even the night sky should’ve been blue, but the world I’m in right now is pitch black. It’s bleak, void of any light, because there’s no moon up there. Because you’ve left me.”

“When I knew I might not be able to paint or dance like I used to, my world shattered. I’m at my lowest, barely keep myself from crumbling, holding onto the only precious thing left for me, my love for you. And now I realized that the only person I’ve ever loved all my life has also left me, what’s there for me to keep going on? Tell me, Jinyoung.”

The tears that had been building up on Jinyoung’s eyes finally rained down, he averted his eyes down as his heart was crushed by remorse and sorrow. Why did he had to be such a coward? Why was he so goddamn selfish, only thought about himself? “I-I’m sorry, Jaebum… I’m so sorry…”

“Saying sorry won’t change anything, you know that.”

“Then what do you want me to do?” Jinyoung bursted up in frustration. “I would gladly give up my life if it could make a difference, but it couldn’t!”

“Then stay.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened and he looked up to find Jaebum’s eyes staring at him with a glint of hope and fear.

“If you feel guilty, just stay with me. Act like you care about me, pretend that you love me. I don’t care even if it’s a lie. I just want you, only you.”

For a few moment Jinyoung was frozen, at loss of words, didn’t know what he should do. Jaebum waited for a while before he sighed, hurt deeply reflected in his eyes.

“If you can’t, then forget it. Go.”

Jinyoung watched as the wide back went further and further away. He knew he should’ve said no. Jinyoung knew he should’ve let Jaebum go to find someone way better than him. Jinyoung knew he didn’t deserve to stay with Jaebum. However, he couldn’t bear to break Jaebum heart anymore, he had suffered so much. And if he thought he need Jinyoung to feel better right then, he would give all of him. Even if someday Jaebum might leave him when he didn’t need him anymore, when he realized he wasn’t worth it and he was broken into tiny pieces it could never be put together again, it was alright because he deserved it. He ran up to Jaebum and slipped his arms around the other’s waist, careful of the broken arm. He rested his head on the crook of his neck, inhaling the familiar scent he had missed.

“I’ll stay.”

He felt his hand being pulled away, detached from his other hand as Jaebum turned around to face him.

“Really?” Jaebum asked, “You’re going to stay with me? Do you really mean it?”

Jinyoung nodded. Jaebum took a step closer and sunk his face on his shoulder. He felt his clothes slowly getting damp, and Jaebum’s next words was a little bit muffled and hoarse.

“Don’t ever leave me again.”

Jinyoung raised his hand, gently stroking the trembling back.

“I won’t,” he said, “I’ll stay with you forever.”

_Unless you leave me before forever ends._

 

\--

 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung said, “he’s home, safe and sound. He’s sleeping right now. I guess the trip truly exhausts his still weak body. The beach is pretty far anyway.”

 _“And he must be pretty exhausted mentally too, drained from everything that happened to him lately,”_ Jackson said from the other end of the phone. _“Thank God you managed to find him. So, what are you going to do? Are you going to stay there or go back to Wonpil’s?”_

Jinyoung scratch the back of his neck with his free hand. “I can’t leave him alone like this, he seems unstable right now. And I’ve promised him to stay. I’m going to take my things from Wonpil’s place tomorrow.”

_“That’s good, then, I feel relieved now. I’m also worried if he’s left alone.” Jinyoung heard a yawn through the speaker. “Guess I’ll also sleep then. Now that I know he’s safe, suddenly I feel so tired.”_

Jinyoung chuckled. “Of course, you’ve been going around searching for him all day. Go, rest well. Good night.”

_“Good night.”_

They ended the call, and Jinyoung also yawned. Maybe he should get a rest as well. He poured a water for himself in the kitchen, then made his way to his room. However, he was stopped by the noise of sniveling sound when he passed Jaebum’s room. Worried, he opened the door, revealing the owner of the room on the bed. He was hugging his knees, his lowered face hidden, his body shaking.

“Jaebum? What happened?” Jinyoung ran up to Jaebum. The curled up man looked up, his eyes were filled with tears. He released his knees to put his arm around Jinyoung’s waist, burying his face on his torso. Jinyoung caressed his hair softly, concerned.

“Talk to me, Jaebum, what’s wrong?”

Jaebum only sobbed silently. Jinyoung chose to wait until the other calmed down and willing to talk to him. They stayed in that position for a while until a trembling voice sliced through the silence.

“I-I thought you’re gone… I thought you leave me alone again… I-I’m so scared, Jinyoung, I’m so scared…”

Since he first met Jaebum, that was the first time he saw the other so vulnerable, and it made his heart clench. It was all because of him. He was the one who made Jaebum suffer like that. He would give anything to take his place. He cradled him, afraid if he held him too tight he would break.

“It’s okay, Jaebum, I’m here. I’ve promised you, right? I would never leave you again.”

“I-I thought you lied to me and left while I was sleeping…”

“Of course not,” Jinyoung pulled him off and sat beside him. He caressed the reddened cheek, wiping the trails of tears away. “I won’t go anywhere.”

“You’ve already done it once. How can I be sure you won’t do it again?”

Jinyoung’s heart broke at the sight of once full of confidence man. He swallowed his tears as he ripped the hem of the outer shirt he was wearing. He took Jaebum’s healthy hand and used the soft cloth to tie the wrist together with his, loose enough so they could still move their hands yet tight enough that their hands couldn’t slip free from the bond. He made multiple knots with the help of his teeth so that it would be hard to untie. He brought the tied up wrists up, and Jaebum’s eyes followed in a daze. He clasped his fingers with the other’s.

“Now you don’t have to worry about me leaving without you knowing. I can’t even break free without waking you up.”

Tears started falling from Jaebum’s eyes again as he brought their hands close to his heart. “Thank you,” he said, “and I’m sorry. I must’ve annoyed you, right? I don’t even know why I’m being like this. I’m just so, so scared.”

Jinyoung used the thumb of his free hand to wipe the tears again. “That’s not true, you don’t annoy me at all. Now, let’s sleep, okay? You must’ve been tired. Don’t worry about anything, just rest comfortably. I won’t go anywhere. Everything would be alright.”

Jaebum nodded, and he scooted over to give Jinyoung space on the bed to lie on. Two young adults trying to fit themselves on a small single bed was obviously too cramped. They could only lie on their sides, and with their hand tied up together they had to face each other, but it wasn’t unpleasant at all. Jinyoung covered both their body with a blanket. His gaze was being held by the depth of the other’s eyes, glazed by the residue of his tears. He smiled reassuringly, patting Jaebum’s back lightly.

“Hey,” Jaebum suddenly called out.

“Hmm?”

“Sing for me.”

Jinyoung blinked his eyes, dumbfounded by the request. “How can I sing in front of a real singer like you? It’s so embarrassing. No, never gonna happen.”

That was what he said, but how could he refuse those hopeful shiny eyes and a soft ‘please’ coming from those pale lips? He sighed, giving up as he started singing.

 

 _It was a hard day wasn’t it_ _  
_ _It hurts my heart just looking at you_ _  
_ _There’s not much I can do for you except_ _  
_ _Being next to you, I’m sorry_ _  
_ _  
_ _You’re so beautiful when you smile_ _  
_ _So whenever I see you’ve lost your smile_ _  
_ _I want to give it back to you_ _  
_ _Whatever it takes_ _  
_ _  
_ _I’d rather cry instead of letting you cry_ _  
_ _I want to be hurt rather than letting you be hurt_ _  
_ _I don’t want you to get hurt ever again_ _  
_ _  
_ _Loving someone_ _  
_ _More than I can take_ _  
_ _It’s so strange_ _  
_ _When you love someone_ _  
_ _  
_ _I want to be helpful even just a little bit_ _  
_ _I want to be your resting place_ _  
_ _If you think of me on a busy day_ _  
_ _I’ll do my best to comfort you_ _  
_ _  
_ _You’re such a tender-hearted person_ _  
_ _So whenever I see you hurting silently_ _  
_ _I want to make you smile again_ _  
_ _Whatever it takes_ _  
_ _  
_ _I’d rather cry instead of letting you cry_ _  
_ _I want to be hurt rather than letting you be hurt_ _  
_ _I don’t want you to get hurt ever again_ _  
_ _  
_ _Loving someone_ _  
_ _More than I can take_ _  
_ _It’s so strange_   
When you love someone

 

Jinyoung watched as the matted wet eyelashes fluttered down halfway through the song, and he stopped singing when he heard the other’s evened breath. His eyes never left the other, and when the weight on his eyelids getting heavier and heavier until his sight was completely veiled, the last thing he saw was Jaebum’s peaceful sleeping face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... throwing a new chapter in celebration of GOT7's comeback >w<
> 
> Personally I like You Are, Teenager, and One and Only You better, but it's still a good song. The MV though! JB's still as hot as ever >w< Mark being hot is nothing new, but he's especially hot in this MV I almost got a nosebleed. That ending though XD Like If You Do, he gave so much impact at the end, just glancing at the camera and my heart stopped. He always gives the best closure :D It seems like JYP is going all out to support GOT7 this time around, appearing on many variety shows together like that, and I'm so glad! Their appearance on Knowing Brothers was so hilarious lol. Can't wait for their episodes of Hyena on the Keyboard :))
> 
> Okay, enough with my ramblings. What do you think of this chapter? I hope you like it ! Thanks for reading :D
> 
> 1st song is Big Bang - Blue  
> 2nd song is Day6 - When You Love Someone


	8. Violet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long chapter ahead :))

Like the last thing Jinyoung saw before he fell asleep, the first thing he saw right after he opened his face was also Jaebum’s face, staring at him with a gentle smile. A second later, though, that face was hidden by the pillow.

“Why are you hiding?” Jinyoung asked, voice thick from sleep.

“My face must be swelling so bad, I cried too much last night. I look so ugly right now.”

If Jinyoung was still half asleep before, that statement woke him up. He bursted up in laughter. “Wow, I really didn’t expect you to whine about that.”

“Everyone wants to look perfect before the person they like. I’m just the same.”

Jinyoung felt the muscles on his face softened into a smile. He raised his hand to stroke the back of the other’s head, feeling the soft threads of hair flowed between his fingers. “Don’t worry, you look alright. Now look at me, okay? I want to see your face.”

For a few seconds it seemed like Jaebum wasn’t going to do it. However, though hesitant, his head slowly turned toward Jinyoung.

“See, you look alright, aside from your eyes that got even smaller than before. Are you sure your eyes are opened?”

“Ugh, shut up,” Jaebum groaned, and Jinyoung laughed. When his laughter finally dissipated, silence engulfed the room, but he didn’t mind. He took his time watching the other’s face, and he could see Jaebum doing the same. He would never get tired of that beautiful face, sculpted into perfection and he thanked God for that.

“Did you take off your contact lenses?” Jaebum asked.

“Yeah. Who wears contact lenses to sleep? You shouldn’t.”

“It’s so upsetting.”

Jinyoung furrowed his eyebrows, confused. “Why?”

“It’s the first time I see your eyes without lenses and I can’t even see it clearly. I’m so mad.”

Jinyoung’s heart tugged, but he still tried to force out what he hoped to be a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll show it to you whenever you want after you get better,” he said, patting the slightly sunken cheek. “Now, the first thing you have to do is eating. You’ve lost too much weight. What do you want to eat?”

Jaebum’s eyes sparkled. “Are you going to cook for me?”

“If it’s something simple, then yes, though it won’t be as tasty as your cooking.”

“How about kimchi fried rice?”

“Alright. Now let’s get up. Wash yourself as I cook, okay?”

“Yes mom,” he said teasingly. Jinyoung pinched his cheek and he yelped, though it still didn’t erase the grin formed by his mouth. Satisfied from the revenge, Jinyoung’s hand moved to untie his other hand, and he saw the other’s face fell.

“Do you really have to untie that?” Jaebum asked quietly. Jinyoung couldn’t help a fond smile spread across his face. Jaebum always came off as dependable and caring in front of him. He felt like he was the only one needing the other, like he was the only one being taken care of. He felt like he started to become dependant to Jaebum, while he couldn’t do anything for the other, useless. That was part of the reason why he didn’t have the confidence that Jaebum would stay with him. And although he knew he shouldn’t feel that way because Jaebum being like that because he was feeling weak after all that happened to him, he was happy since Jaebum started to show his neediness toward him. He ruffled the fluffy raven hair, affection filled his heart.

“How can I cook when I could barely move one of my hand? I’m not a good cook even with both hand, how am I supposed to be one only with one hand?”

Jaebum snorted. “Stop touching my hair, I haven’t wash it since my mother went home and there’s no one to help me with that. It must’ve felt gross.”

Jinyoung chuckled because despite saying that, Jaebum still leaned into his touch. “It’s not at all. Do you want me to help you wash your hair after we eat?”

Jaebum’s eyes brightened. “Really? You don’t mind?”

“Of course. Now, be a good boy and wait while I cook for you, okay?”

Jaebum nodded, and Jinyoung continued to untie their hands. However, as soon as the piece of cloth was taken off, Jinyoung was surprised when Jaebum laced his fingers with his. He then gave the other a look. But the receiver only grinned and tugged him up.

“Come on, I’m so hungry,” Jaebum said. Jinyoung could only sighed and followed him out of the room.

 

\--

 

Jinyoung’s heart couldn’t seem to be still since he took a step into the bathroom after the slightly salty breakfast. In that cramped space, Jaebum’s presence overfilled the room, made him overly conscious of the other. He never expected this when he made the offer, since he was used to Jaebum invading his personal space, so he didn’t know it would be completely different. He avoided Jaebum’s gaze, too overwhelmed to meet those dark eyes.

“Um, so how should we do it?” Jaebum asked, breaking the tightening silence.

“Oh, yeah, I think we should be doing it on the tub rather than the sink, it would be more comfortable for you. Wait a second.”

He got into the tub and sat on the edge of the side affixed to the wall, and put the thick folded towel he was bringing on the side opposite to him, covering the blunt edge.

“There, you can sit on the floor and rest your neck here.”

Jaebum followed his instruction while he rolled his sleeves. Once he was settled, Jinyoung took the shower head and turn on the water, testing the temperature with his hand. Only after it finally felt lukewarm he started wetting Jaebum’s hair, one hand carding through the locks to make sure it got washed evenly. He told the other to close his eyes so water and shampoo wouldn’t get into them. He relaxed slightly as he did, glad to have an excuse to avoid Jaebum’s gaze.

When he thought the hair was wet enough, he squeezed out an adequate amount of shampoo on his hand after turning off the tap. He could hear Jaebum sighed as soon as he started to gently massaging his head.

“Your hands feel nice,” he said, “my mother always put too much strength when she did it, like she was about to turn my head into some mashed potato. Thank God the nurse spared me from getting my head cracked open by taking the matter into her hands until it was completely healed.”

Jinyoung laughed, reminded of the way Jaebum’s mother crushed his bones whenever she hugged him. The laughter faded away when his gaze met the others. Their eyes was on the same level, and their face was close enough he swore he could see his own reflection on those captivating onyx beads that took his breath away. Jaebum’s hand reached up to the back of his head, slowly pulling him closer and closer. He knew that if he pushed Jaebum away he would feel hurt, so he only clenched his eyes shut, waiting for what might come in anticipation and agitation.

He wanted to kiss Jaebum, he really do. God, he even long for it. Yet he wasn’t sure if it weally okay to do that. He was guilty of was too many things to Jaebum, and he got off too easily. Jaebum didn’t get angry and even asking him to come back. At the moment, he was taking advantage of Jaebum’s vulnerable state so he could stay by his side. Was it alright for him to just bask himself in Jaebum’s love when he didn’t deserve even a little bit of it? He felt like if he just accepted it, he would be guilt-ridden for his whole life.

Just a centimeter more and their lips would touch, Jaebum’s breath warm against his skin, but suddenly the soft pressure behind his head disappear. The hand that was there slid to his cheek, fingers brushing it tenderly and bringing his face slightly further back. When he opened his eyes, they were already on the same eye level again. He stared at Jaebum confusedly when he chuckled.

“You don’t have to be so tense, you know. Do you intend to rip my hair off of my head? You tug on it so hard.”

Only then Jinyoung realized what he had done and pulled his hands away from Jaebum’s hair, and his face from the hand. “I-I’m sorry,” he stuttered.

“It’s okay,” Jaebum smiled, “we better finished this fast because it’s getting cold here and my neck started to hurt.”

“Alright.”

Jaebum closed his eyes again while Jinyoung continued to apply shampoo on the other’s hair and massaging his scalp, none of them talked. The silence was suffocating that Jinyoung racked his head to look for a topic to talk about. Suddenly he remembered that he had a part time job later at noon. How should he break it to Jaebum? How would he react?

“Um, Jaebum?”

“Hm?”

“I have part time job after this, and I can’t possibly go there with this ragged clothes, right? So I need to grab some clothes before that, and I also need to get my things from there anyway. Are you going to be okay alone?”

Jinyoung nervously waited for Jaebum’s answer. However, what came out from his mouth was another question.

“Where were you staying all this time?”

“I was staying with a friend.”

“Who is this friend?”

“Wonpil is my highschool friend, like Jackson. He also works at the same place as me since his uncle owns the restaurant. He’s the one who helped me getting a job there. That’s why I can’t skip. I don’t want to let them down.”

Jinyoung waited anxiously again for Jaebum’s response. He seemed to be thinking. Only after Jinyoung turned the faucet again and started rinsing his hair he started talking again.

“How about I lend you my clothes? You can get your things after work so you don’t have to bring them to your workplace. Isn’t that better?”

Jinyoung didn’t need much time to make decision. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll count on you then. Don’t give me clothes with ridiculous color just because I don’t know, okay? If I feel people staring at me or hear them cackling I will run back home and burn all your clothes so you would walk in nude everywhere.”

Jaebum guffawed so much he almost curled up that Jinyoung had to grab his chin to keep him in place. “Hey, don’t move around! I haven’t finished rinsing your hair yet!”

“Sorry,” Jaebum said in between his laughter. He smirked mischievously. “So you want to see me nude? You don’t have to go that far, you know, you can just ask me. I’ll show you anytime.”

It roasted Jinyoung’s face hot. “You know that’s not what I mean!”

“Just admit it, don’t be shy~”

Well, it wasn’t that Jinyoung didn’t want to see it, but it would be long before he admitted it. For the moment, he wouldn’t let Jaebum away easily with embarrassing him. He shifted the shower head slightly and sprayed Jaebum’s face. Surprised, he spat and turn around, blinking and gasping, water dripping from his hair and face. It was Jinyoung’s turn to burst up in laughter, satisfied with his sweet revenge.

“You…” Jaebum about to say something, but Jinyoung cut him down with dropping a towel on his head.

“Just be quiet, okay?” he said, rubbing the excess water from Jaebum’s hair, then patting his face dry. He obeyed by staying silent throughout the process, but not without a pout. Jinyoung chuckled at the sight, dragging him up and out of the bathroom. He sat the sulking man on the sofa, and went to his room. He appeared bringing the dryer he left, not bothering to come back and get it since he could just borrow Wonpil’s back then. He plugged it and turn it on. Buzzing sound filled the room, warm air blew from the nozzle, sweeping the locks of hair aside. Jinyoung’s hand carded through them, flipping them over and back again.

“I never knew you have such a wide forehead. That’s cool. Why don’t you style your hair up? You always just let it fall flat on your forehead.”

“It’s a bother since it gets all rigid and take too much time. Why, do you have a fetish toward wide forehead?”

Jinyoung wouldn’t fall for it this time, so instead of blushing he just shrugged. “I might or I might not. I just think you would look good in that hairstyle,” Jinyoung said, turning the dryer off and patting the hair. “There, I’m finished. Now show me the clothes you’re going to lend me.”

“Alright, alright.” Jaebum disappeared into his room and showed up a few minutes later with an oversized hoodie. Jinyoung sighed at the sight.

“I forgot that your wardrobe is only consisted of hoodies, sweatshirts, and t-shirts,” he said. Jaebum rolled his eyes.

“Well, sorry that my clothes aren’t up to your neat and clean taste. So, are you going to wear it or not?”

“I will, I will,” Jinyoung said, taking the hoodie from the other’s hand. He took off his unwearable outer shirt and put the hoodie on. It snugged way too loosely on his body, very much unlike his usual clothes. But it’s warm and so comfortable, he understood why Jaebum liked to wear things like that. He might even buy one after this. One bonus of this hoodie was it smelled like its owner, and he tried hard to hold back from sniffing it.

“It’s too big for me,” he said.

“Well, it’s called oversized for a reason. You look cute though,” Jaebum responded nonchalantly. Before Jinyoung’s cheeks had the chance to blush, he tried to change the topic.

“What color is it?”

“Violet.”

Jinyoung furrowed his eyebrow. “Violet? What kind of color is it? I know of a flower by that name, but I didn’t know it’s also a name of a color.”

“Yeah, the name was taken from that flower. You might know purple better. It’s quite similar, most people mistook violet as purple. It’s funny that just like the flower that hides behind its leaves, the color is most difficult for the human eye to distinguish.”

Jinyoung sank himself on the couch beside the other. “So, what’s the difference?”

“There’s a thing called spectral colors. It consists of seven colors. You can say that when they weave together, they will form a white light. So when you say the bright light washes your eyes with white, it actually consists of those colors together. Violet is one of them. While purple is a color made by combining red and blue. So that’s the difference, theoretically.”

Jinyoung nodded, lost in his thought, trying to process the explanation. At the same time, his heart twinged at the enthusiasm Jaebum shown when he talked about things related to painting. He felt a gaze directed at him, and he turned around to meet Jaebum’s amused smile. He raised his eyebrows, asking in silence.

“I was wondering why do you suit the color so much. Is it because you got shy easily just like violet flower that’s always hide? Then I remembered that back in the Renaissance Era, angels were often portrayed wearing violet robes. I’m just thinking maybe you’re one of them, that’s why.”

That time Jinyoung couldn’t hold himself back anymore. Maybe smoke puffed out from the top of his head from how much his face heated up.

“Aww~ Is our Jinyoung shy?” Jaebum teased with annoying intonation, bumping his healthy shoulder to Jinyoung’s. Why did he has to like someone who loved to embarrass him so much?

“You really like it, don’t you?” he scowled at Jaebum.

Jaebum tugged his arm, grinning. “I do. You’re so adorable, that’s why. Don’t be mad~”

Jinyoung sighed. “I need to go now. Don’t wander around by yourself, okay?”

Jaebum nodded, his smile dropped a bit. “You’re going to come back, right?”

“Of course. I’ve promised you, right?” Jinyoung stroked the soft dark hair gently.

Jaebum slipped his hand on his waist, forehead digging his shoulder.

“I’ll wait.”

 

\--

 

Jinyoung opened the door, dragging a huge suitcase with him. It was way earlier than it was supposed to be since he only did half of his shift. Wonpil scolded him for coming to work when he should’ve been taking care of Jaebum. The usually soft-spoken man kicked him out of the workplace as soon as he got a replacement for him. He even said not to bother coming to work until next week because he would kick him out again if he did. What a rude friend.

He put the suitcase beside the couch and looked around. He called for Jaebum’s name, but there was no sign of the owner’s presence. He went to Jaebum’s room, yet he wasn’t here either. He started to get panicked. He took out his phone and called him. He waited through the static beeping sound only to get answered by an answering machine. Anxiety started crawling up his spine. Where was Jaebum? Did something happened to him? His imagination turned worse with every minute spent not getting any answers from those questions. Fortunately before he made a big fuss by calling Jackson or even worse, the police, a chat message rang his phone. His breath halted when Jaebum’s name showed up with his message.

**I’m at the playground in the neighborhood if you’re looking for me.**

Jinyoung quickly rushed out of the apartment. He knew there was a playground nearby, but he never went there. Luckily he remembered where it was, so he found the place easily. He panted from running when he arrived, and sighed in relief with a tinge of worry when he saw the familiar figure sitting at the top of a slide that stuck out from a small platform surrounded by fence. He closed in and Jaebum beamed a faint smile at him.

“You’re here.”

“What are you doing up here? What if you fall when your arm hasn’t even healed yet? I’ve told you not to wander around by yourself, haven’t I?”

“Sorry,” Jaebum said. Jinyoung could only sigh. He looked around. The playground was void, there was only the two of them there. He climbed the ladder and sat back to back with Jaebum. He smiled fondly when his eyes found a bunch of violet flowers under a tree, remembering their conversation before.

“Do you come here often?”

“Yeah, since I move here. I always come here whenever I need to think or got stuck.”

Jinyoung twisted his back to take a glance at the other. “So, what did you think about?”

Jaebum raised his face, looking at the sky. “I thought you wouldn’t come back.”

Jinyoung frowned. “But…”

“You’ve promised me, I know,” he said, cutting Jinyoung off. “I just can’t make myself to truly believe it, no matter how much I wanted to. I even make you borrow my clothes so you hopefully have a bigger reason to come back, though it don’t really matter if it’s turned back or not. But I just can’t seem to be at ease. And waiting for someone you don’t know going to come or not in a confined space is suffocating, so I come here. Pathetic, isn’t I? And that pathetic me is clinging to you, guilt-tripping you, and asking you to act like you care about me, and you do it very well. Thank you. You don’t know how grateful I am to have you by my side since last night.”

Jinyoung was so stunned. Why did Jaebum tormented himself with such a thoughts? The sorrow in front of him stung both his eyes and his heart. “That’s not an act, I really care about you. You’re not pathetic, Jaebum, stop saying that. And you do nothing wrong, I do everything by my own will.”

“You might be, but it’s out of guilt, not love. I know for sure you don’t love me with how you tensed up when I’m about to kiss you. So I sat here and thought about your sudden change of attitude when you seemed to accept me at first. Then it came to me that the most possible explanation is maybe you found someone else you really love.”

Jinyoung’s mouth could only gaped at the ridiculous guess. “What are you talking about?”

“You don’t have to pretend anymore, Jinyoung, it’s okay of you do. I shouldn’t impose myself on you anymore, forcing you to stay with someone you don’t love. You don’t need to do that anymore. You’re free to go wherever you want. Thanks for going along with my selfishness all this time, Jinyoung.”

Suddenly Jinyoung felt angry. He was frustrated by the misunderstanding, by how such an amazing person like Jaebum deride himself so hard, as if everything was his fault when it was all Jinyoung’s. He didn’t care anymore. If revealing the shameful truth was the only way to stop this, he will do it. He couldn’t have Jaebum tormenting his own self further. So he climbed down the ladder, went to the front of the slide, and pulled Jaebum down the slide by his ankle. It was a little bit dangerous, but Jinyoung was just too upset to think, only acting on impulse. The yelp from Jaebum’s mouth was silenced by his lips, their teeth bumped against each other but he didn’t care. He didn’t mind his jeans getting dirtied from kneeling on the ground. His hands was gripping the front of Jaebum’s sweatshirt tightly, pushing him as he leaned forth until the other was reclined on the flat surface of the slide.

When he finally pulled himself back, he was met with Jaebum’s surprised and confused face. He hauled the other up and brought him home in his hand without any fight. As soon as the door closed, Jinyoung pinned Jaebum against the wall and their lips collided again. They mingled in such a messy way, Jinyoung being not the most experienced kisser out there and Jaebum too dazed and out of it to lead. Jinyoung was desperate for way too many things he didn’t know anymore. Suddenly he felt himself being shoved away, and they were separated. For a moment the only sound was the pants of their breath, Jaebum avoiding the gaze Jinyoung fixed on him.

“What… what are you doing? Why do you do that?”

Jinyoung took Jaebum’s healthy hand in his. “What else? Of course it’s because I love you.”

The confession brought Jaebum’s eyes to finally meet his, widen with surprise, confusion, and disbelief. Before the stunned man managed to say anything, he continued.

“Although I didn’t know your face then, I’ve fallen for your kindness since you helped me that time at the corridor. Why else would I put so much effort to find that stupid hat’s owner? I wanted to put a face to the first person I fell with. Then you showed up in front of this door, and I kept falling deeper and deeper for you since then even when I knew I shouldn’t.”

“But why? Why do you think that way? Am I not good enough?”

Jinyoung shook his head. “You’re way too good for me, and I’m a coward, that’s why. Right now you’re just being deluded by your first love, the teenage me you know nothing about. If it were the current me you’ve already knew everything about that you meet first, you wouldn’t love me.”

Jaebum stared at him in disbelief. “What? What makes you think I wouldn’t?”

“You live in a world too far apart from me Jaebum. We’re not suited for each other. Take painting for example. Painting is your life, Jaebum. And look at me, I’m even worse than people who couldn’t understand paintings, Jaebum. I can’t see colors. I can never see the amazing arts you create. I can never see the thing that makes you alive. I can never see the cause that makes  _ you _ you _. _ And someday, when you understand that, and no longer deluded, you would leave me. Now, I even took away  _ that  _ from you. I wonder why you haven’t hated me yet.” Jinyoung averted his eyes from Jaebum, afraid of what he would see on the dark orbs.

“That’s why I tried so hard not to fall for you, and when I realized that I have failed, I tried to stay away from you. I love you too much. If you decide you don’t love me and leave me, I’ll break. So I left you when you still believe you love me. That’s the person I really am, Jaebum, selfish and coward. I’m far from the angel you think I am.” That was it. He had laid it all bare in the open. He just need to wait for the verdict to fall upon him.

Jaebum pulled his hand away, leaving Jinyoung’s grasping the empty air. He could feel his heart shattered into pieces. Well, what did he expect? Jaebum to still be with him even after knowing how ugly he was? He was too immersed in his self-mockery that he jolted in surprise when a warm hand brushed against his cheeks.

“Don’t cry,” Jaebum said, wiping his damp cheek, and only then he realized that he had been crying all along. The hand slid to his neck and pulled his head to rest on a wide shoulder, stroking his hair tenderly. He brought them inside and sat them on the couch.

“It’s true that I first interested in you because you’re my first love. But it doesn’t mean that’s all there to it. Back then, I kept wondering what kind of person you are, whose heart soft enough to give so much consideration toward a stray cat’s feeling. Whose smile so beautiful it rivaled the moon. The you back then was too flawless. He was my angel because he felt surreal, cold, untouchable. It was like loving a celestial being.”

Jaebum pulled away a little bit to look at Jinyoung right in the eyes, smiling softly. “Then you appeared again in front of me, warm, with many flaws, but that perfected you as much as your virtues are, a human with flesh and blood. Those flaws makes me want to take care of you in a way I never felt before, filling me up with so much affection I never had before. I fall in love for the second time, in a way I never did before, with the human you.”

“Everyday since I live together with you, those feelings only grow more and more without a rest. And I see the even bigger proof of your soft-heartedness. I love the way you take care of everyone around you, me, and my family. I love how you seemed to always enjoy all my cooking. My heart swells with infatuation whenever you clapped so hard after my performance, proud and happy for me. Adoration overflows within me everytime I manage to make you blush. I feel calm and in peace when you’re by my side. I know you’re afraid to get hurt, hence why you kind of isolating yourself from the others, and that makes me want to protect you with all my might. You’re my angel because of your kindness, your serenity, your beautiful heart. You will always be my angel no matter what, and I love you so much.”

At that point, Jinyoung was already a sobbing mess. Jaebum kissed him lightly, then cradled him until he calmed down. When he did, he kissed Jaebum again, slow and deep, this time savoring every second of it.

“You don’t know how much I wanted to kiss you,” he sighed, rubbing his eyes dry from tears.

“Then why do you look like you don’t want to when I’m about to kiss you this morning?”

Jinyoung looked down, fiddling with the hoodie he was wearing. “I was too guilty to accept it. I felt like I was forgiven so easily when I shouldn’t. I made you suffer so much and all I get is your love? I don’t deserve that.”

Jaebum took his hand in his, gently rubbing the back of it with his thumb. “Do you know? Long time ago, violets were used as medicine and aromatherapy. There’s also a saying that if you put them under your pillow you will get a restful night sleep. For me, you’re my medicine. You soothe my anxiety away. You make me feel relaxed and at peace. Last night was the first time I got a deep, long sleep in a while. It’s because you’re with me. You’re my violet, Jinyoung. That’s why you need to repent for your mistake by staying by my side and cure me.”

Jinyoung nodded and sniffled. He looked at the other and said, “What should I do with you, Im Jaebum? You’re so cheesy.”

Jaebum put his arm around Jinyoung’s waist, nuzzling his head on the crook of his neck. “But you still love me anyway.”

Jinyoung sighed, helpless. “I do.”

“Well,” Jaebum pecked his lips and grinned, “I love you too, my violet angel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Look won on music show for the first time! *applause* They really deserve it, and they looked so happy with that ridiculous apple hair and red blush lol. And I'm so excited for Stray Kids' debut! The preview sounded amazing already >w< And I miss Day6's music so much, too used to getting some new ones every month TT But well I guess they deserve to rest so I won't complain too much.
> 
> So, back to the story. I actually pondered between purple and violet, but decided on violet anyway. There are so many meanings to violet I want to fit in this chapter, like if you dream of picking a violet that means you fall in love, but it would be too much and forced. So with a heavy heart I had to put them off TT Oh and I think this story is going to get longer again, but I promise you it would only be 12 chapter at most, two chapter more from the intended 10 chapter. There's just so many things I want to tell in this story, and I don't want to just ending this abruptly. Sorry and please bear with me ;D
> 
> So, what do you think of this chapter? Sorry that it got too long. Thanks for reading and I hope you like it :))


	9. Indigo

“Have you finished?” Jaebum asked.

“Not yet,” Jinyoung answered without taking his eyes off of his laptop screen, the fingers dancing on the keyboard never missed a beat.

Jaebum whined. “Why are you taking so long? I’m bored to death.”

“I still need to revise a whole chapter, Jaebum. Just wait, okay?”

“But you promised to continue reading for me before I go to the hospital!”

He had promised, indeed. Since it became hard for Jaebum to read without having a headache and his eyes could get worse if he strained them too much, they had fallen into the routine of Jinyoung reading books for him, one chapter a day. They were always collection of stories, since Jaebum was worried it would burden his eyes and throat too much, yet would die out of curiosity if it had been a continuous story. He was the type to finish a book in one sitting, after all. At the moment, they were about to get into the last story of a book from his favorite author. However, he really wanted to get this assignment finished before his part time job started so he could just fall asleep after that.

“Just wait a little bit, alright?”

For some moment there was no response from Jaebum, so Jinyoung thought he had given up. How wrong he was. Suddenly, a black head slipped through the gap between his arm and the laptop on his lap, and a sulky face blocking his view from the screen.

“Hey!” Jinyoung yelled, but the other just wouldn’t budge. He kept staring at him with his sparkly cat eyes and pouty lips until Jinyoung surrendered and moved his laptop to the table because who is he to deny them, really. Jaebum grinned contentedly and wrapped his arm around his waist, snuggling onto his torso. Jinyoung knew it wasn’t really the book that made him kept disturbing him. Jaebum just had this cat-like personality sometimes that craved for attention. He also read somewhere that cats loved to rub its head against its human, marking them with its scent and enjoying human’s warmth. Maybe he picked it from Nora, he wouldn’t know. Even when he slept he often sprawled with arms lifted up and his legs open, just like some photos of the cat he once showed Jinyoung. And Jinyoung couldn’t stop himself from petting his head fondly, complying to his every whim. After all, people was slave to their pet, right?

“You’re gonna get your cast opened today, right? Are you happy?”

“Of course, I’m so excited. Finally we can eat decent food that’s not salty or burned. I think my tongue is getting weird day by day.”

Jaebum yelped when Jinyoung flicked his forehead. “Be grateful you can eat! I don’t even cook for my family, yet I cook for you. If anything, you should feel honored.”

“I do feel grateful,” Jaebum said, taking his hand and planted his lips on its palm. “Thanks for being here for me, Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung brought their hands up to his lips which curled up into a smile against the back of Jaebum’s hand. “Who wouldn’t when they’re being loved as much as you love me? They must be crazy.”

“And you love me too much,” Jaebum smirked teasingly, earning a pinch on his straight nose.

“Enough, okay? Now where’s the book? The sooner we finished it the faster I can continue doing my assignment.”

Jaebum grumbled, yet still giving him the book. He smiled at the childish act. He opened the book, straight to the page where he put the bookmark yesterday, and started reading.

“She sometimes had trouble remembering her own name. Usually this happened when someone unexpectedly asked what it was. She’d be at a boutique, getting the sleeves of a dress altered, and the saleswoman would say, ‘Your name, Ma’am?,’ and her mind would go blank. The only way she could remember it was…”

 

\--

 

Jinyoung walked home with a huge smile hanging on his face, barely holding back from swinging his hand and ruining the cake he was holding. After work, he had stopped by the bakery a few shops from the restaurant and bought a blueberry cheesecake. Just a really small, round one, enough for two people. He hummed cheerfully, couldn’t wait to get home quickly.

His mouth stretched wider as he found Jaebum leaning back on the door of their apartment, beaming a smile when he noticed him. He walked straight into the waiting arms, wrapping his own around the other, feeling his body melted as he was engulfed by Jaebum’s warm temperature after fighting against the harsh autumn wind outside.

“It’s finally how it should be. Has been way too long that I forgot how nicely you fit here, cocooned by my body,” Jaebum chuckled.

Jaebum was right. It felt like he finally where he was belong. He sighed when a pair of warm, soft lips pressed multiple times against the bare skin of his neck. It felt so nice that he barely caught his whine before it left his mouth when Jaebum released him a minute later. However, it seemed like his disappointment was still shown clearly on his face as Jaebum smirked, amused.

“I don’t mind giving a show all night to everyone passing by this corridor, but it might be inappropriate to the kids. Well, if you don’t mind all the complaint you would be getting tomorrow, let’s continue.”

Jinyoung’s head was about to explode from embarrassment as he was reminded to the fact that they were outside. He quickly opened the door and stomped inside, closing the door on Jaebum’s face. He could hear him laughing from behind the door and he wished he could dig a hole somewhere and bury himself. He walked as fast as possible to his room when he heard the front door clicked open, but when he was about to grab the knob, he was turned around and backed up to the door. His gasp was blocked by a mouth pressed against his own.

“I’m mad at you, you know?” Jinyoung said as soon as his attacker pulled away, pouting. Jaebum smiled and kissed his nose.

“That’s why I’m so sorry right now.”

“It seems you like being sorry, because your face says you really enjoy this whole situation.”

Jaebum shrugged. “I don’t know about being sorry, but I definitely enjoy how cute you react.”

It earned him a stamp on his feet, and he yelped.

“Hey! Although my cast has already been removed, I’m still a patient!”

“Be more like a patient, then! Ugh, now I regret buying this cake for you.”

Jaebum’s eyes widen, just noticing the box of cake hanging on his hand. “You bought a cake for me?”

“Yeah, I thought we can celebrate the removal of your arm cast, but I change my mind. I’ll just eat this alone.”

“Whoa, stop, stop,” Jaebum said, stealing the cake away from his hand. “You bought this for me, so this is mine.”

“Hey…”

“And since I’m kind,” Jaebum cut him off, leaving a peck on his lips before dragging him to the couch, “I’ll share it with you.”

Jinyoung could only rolled his eyes and gave up. How could he stay mad when he was exposed to that adorable smile? And it wasn’t helping that there was something different in his smile that left him wondering, all the while pretending he didn’t notice it.

 

\--

 

Jinyoung couldn’t seem to slip into slumber that night, no matter how hard he clenched his eyes shut. Somehow, his ears were deaf to the silent lullaby sung by darkness. He tossed and turned on his bed, submerged his head under the blanket only to emerge again. He couldn’t forget the way Jaebum smile, and it made him worried.

Jaebum was pretty simple. After he stopped holding himself back from his feelings toward the man, he realized that Jaebum was actually pretty easy to be figured out. How happy he was, how sincere his smile was, it could be seen by how much his upper teeth was shown when he did it. His gums would even be revealed when he was truly ecstatic. And the smile before told Jinyoung that he was only trying to look like he was happy in front of him. He must be hiding something from him, yet he didn’t know what it was.

Suddenly a creaking sound from a door being opened somewhere sliced through the stillness of the night. He kept listening as quiet footsteps passed across his room. He got up when he heard the door to his balcony slid open, finally sure that the owner of the footsteps wasn’t just in a short journey to the bathroom. Jinyoung softly open the door, finding the familiar back view sitting outside the opened glass door. He pulled the blanket off of his bed and walked to the balcony.

“You’ll catch a cold like that,” Jinyoung said, making the sitting man jumped in surprise. A dazed look followed him as he crouched down and put the blanket around Jaebum. It softened into a smile when he tugged the hood of his hoodie up, pulling the string and tying it below his chin. He would look so adorable if not for the creases of sadness mapped on his face.

“Did I wake you up? Sorry,” he said.

Jinyoung smiled. “Now, that’s what you call a sorry face, but you don’t need it. I wasn’t asleep.”

“Can’t sleep?”

Jinyoung nodded. “What about you?”

“Me too.”

Jinyoung nodded again. He patted the egg-shaped head. “I figure you might want to be alone, so I’ll go inside for now. Don’t hesitate to call me over if you need me, yeah?”

Jinyoung stood up and about to leave when a hand on his wrist stopped him. Jinyoung stared down at the man, but he didn’t meet his eyes. So he bent down again, taking the hand in his.

“Do you want me to stay?”

“I do, but…,” Jaebum hesitated, “you must be tired after doing your assignment and working all day, you also have first period tomorrow. You need to rest.”

Jinyoung smiled and kissed him softly. “Silly, why would you worry about something like that? Besides…”

Jinyoung turned around and fitted himself in the space between Jaebum’s legs, snuggling back to his chest. “I can’t sleep anyway, so I’d rather stay with you.”

Jaebum smiled back, wrapping the blanket around both of them before leaving his arms circling his torso. He kissed his jaw and asked, “Why can’t you sleep?”

“You keep my mind busy.”

“Me?” Jaebum laughed, “What are you thinking about that’s connected to me in the middle of the night? Is it something dirty? You can just come to my room and do it instead of just thinking about it, you know.”

Jinyoung elbowed his ribs, yet still failed to stop his laugh. “What about you? Why can’t you sleep?”

Jaebum slotted his chin on the crook of Jinyoung’s neck, exhaling deeply. “When the night’s at its deepest, the wolves are out of their nest and roam free in the darkness, hunting for their prey. The muteness of their howls are deafening, making your skin crawl and your heart uneasy. They feed on your fear, so they rip your biggest one out in the open with their claws, tear away any other thoughts into shreds with their fangs, and let you be consumed by dread so they can eat plenty. And I just happen to be one of their prey tonight.”

“And what is it that you’re so scared about?”

Jaebum looked up at the dark sky, smiling faintly. The way the moonlight shaped his side profile seemed so, so sad Jinyoung’s heart broke. “Do you know? The moment sun descends from its throne, colors disperse. Moon arises in its place, but moon's paintbrush has only a palette of shadows: creamy gray, inky black, illusive indigo. Indigo is a color, of course, lonelier than every color out there. It’s included as one of the color of the rainbow, yet many people denies its identity just because it’s neither primary nor secondary color. It doesn’t know why it’s being put there, never be sure where it belongs to. Sad isn’t it?”

Jinyoung frowned. “You’re dodging my question, Jaebum.”

Jaebum chuckled. “I’m not. I might become that indigo, Jinyoung, that’s what I’m so scared of.”

“What do you mean?”

“The doctor said my eyes doesn’t show any improvement, so they gonna have to change the therapy method. If all methods fail, I have to get a surgery. However, even after the surgery, it doesn’t guarantee that my eyes would be normal again,” Jaebum’s voice started to waver as he sank his face on Jinyoung’s shoulder. “I’m so scared. What if I couldn’t paint and dance anymore? What kind of painter doesn’t paint? What kind of dancer doesn’t dance? It feels like a monkey had stolen my identity, just like the story you read to me today. I would lost everything that made me who I am, and be denied the places where I belong. I would be no one.”

Jinyoung felt his heart shattered. He reached back to stroke the other’s hair softly. “Why are you no one? You’re Im Jaebum, your parents’ son, and the person I love. You’re a great artist, and the moon of Hongdae stage. Your disorder won’t change any of those facts, and you will paint and dance again. Doctors always say the worst possibility first so they won’t be held accountable when the result isn’t good. But they’re professionals, they will find a way to cure you. If not this doctor, then we can look for others. Don’t worry, okay? Everything will be fine. It’s only the beginning, Jaebum. It might take quite some time, but I’m sure you’ll be able to paint and dance again. There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope.”

Jinyoung shifted a little to cup Jaebum’s face in his hands, staring at the dark eyes, glistened under the moonlight. He wiped the trails of tears away from his cheeks. “You have nothing to be scared of, okay? And if you ever feel it, don’t keep it by yourself. Tell me, just like this, before it builds up and swallows you. I’ll always be with you and I want to be your support, so you can tell me anything, okay?”

Jaebum nodded. “Okay.”

“Promise to tell me everything?”

“Promise.”

“Then kiss me.”

Jaebum leaned in, and the next second his lips caressed Jinyoung’s tenderly, wet, slightly salty from tears, sealing the promise. Jinyoung parted his lips and melted as the kiss deepened, breaths mingling together. They savored each other’s flavor in a slow pace, relishing in how they tasted, mixing together. It sent a bittersweet wave through his being, and he wished he could soothe away all of Jaebum’s fear and sadness. He pulled away, only to press a kiss against his forehead, his eyelid, his cheek, his nose, his other eyelid, his other cheek, his jaw, his chin, and at last his lips again. And then he smiled, reclining to his chest again and leaned his head back to his shoulder.

“It feels so nice. It’s warmer here than inside my room, even though it’s outside. It’s so comfortable I might fall asleep.”

Jaebum’s chest softly shook from his laughter. “Let’s stay like this a little longer. You can sleep if you want.”

Despite what he said, he was the one who fell asleep with his head resting on Jinyoung’s shoulder fifteen minutes later. Only after that he let his tears dripped on his cheek, barely holding back his noise as it could wake Jaebum up. He felt helpless, unable to do anything for the other.

He said he was sure everything would be fine, and he wanted so bad to believe it would. However, no one knew of what the future would bring. He shouldn’t have promised him about something he didn’t have any control of, yet he couldn’t bear to see the sadness in his eyes. So he prayed to all the Gods he knew of until the sun emerged from the horizon, claiming back its throne and declaring the start of a new day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update, finally! Sorry it took quite long. I'm quite stuck because it's a difficult color, so it's kind of hard to connect it to the story. By the way, I just watched the replay of Got7's LieV yesterday and there's so much treats for JJP shippers I squealed throughout the whole video! Why are they so sweet with each other I can't >///< It's sad that Jackson can't make it though, wish him well soon TT
> 
> Anyway, the story Jinyoung read in this chapter was titled "A Shinagawa Monkey" from Haruki Murakami's book "Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman". It tells the story about a woman named Mizuki Ando, who suddenly has trouble remembering her name only to find out that her name has been stolen by a monkey living in the sewer of Shinagawa. I can still remember when I read this years ago in my room, how this story sent shivers down my spine, and I really felt like a monkey would suddenly show up behind me. It's actually not scary, but somehow my skin crawled. For me it's the best and most memorable story from the book. If you haven't read it yet, you should check it out if you want ^^ If you don't want to read the book, you can find the chapter here: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2006/02/13/a-shinagawa-monkey
> 
> At last, what do you think about this chapter? Do you like it? I really hope you do! Thanks for reading :))


	10. Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notice: I changed the rating to mature because there's a short sex scene ahead. Sorry! I just want to practice haha. The mature scene will be aligned to the right so you can skip it if you want. Enjoy reading!

The swing clinked, bearing Jinyoung’s weight as he sat on the wooden board. He sighed, dropping his head as low as his slumped shoulder. He didn’t want to go home. He couldn’t help himself getting scared of Jaebum being mad at him. He still wasn’t able to erase the shocked and disappointed look Jaebum gave him.

Jaebum had been doing well with his therapy, and his eyes got a lot better. He was back to his dance routine again. However, he was still taking a break from performing. He also started painting again, although it took him much longer to finish one painting since his eyes got tired easily. Hence why Jinyoung went to his campus studio this afternoon since they promised to have lunch together. When he reached there though, he couldn’t bring himself to step inside. Jaebum’s conversation with his friend stopped him.

Jaebum sounded so enthusiastic, talking about painting and colors, with many terms he didn’t understand. It was something Jaebum could never talk about with him, a side him he would never see, and he felt a prick of envy toward the stranger. He wanted to be someone closest to Jaebum. He wanted to understand him the most. And the stranger just had to rub salt into his wound.

“Hey, I heard you’re dating someone. Aren’t you and Ayeon a thing?” he heard the stranger said.

“Yes, and no. Why do you think me and Ayeon are together?”

“Well, everyone thought so. You’re always together, you match well and look good with each other. You even performed together with her every month, right? It’s only natural we thought that way.”

“Well, we aren’t, we never are. We’re just good friends.”

“I wonder what kind of person you’re seeing to ignore such a nice girl beside you. She’s quite popular, you know. The only reason why no one making advance at her was because they thought she was taken by you. Look at all the boys flocking around her now after the news of your relationship spread.”

Jinyoung’s heart twisted at that time. He was right, it was only natural if Jaebum were to date that girl. If it she met Jaebum first, maybe that was what would happen. That stranger, and all Jaebum’s friend must’ve had high expectation since Jaebum chose him over Baek Ayeon. What if they got disappointed when they found out he was his boyfriend? That was why when Jaebum finally noticed him and his friend asked him who he was, he only introduced himself as Jaebum’s roommate. And like a coward he was, he ran away.

He kicked the ground, swinging himself up high, wishing the wind would blew his thought away. He always hate that side of him, a side he found within himself after meeting Jaebum. He was never jealous or feeling inferior toward anybody before. And everytime he felt that way, he hurt Jaebum. He really had to do something about his insecurity. Just how many times Jaebum could take getting hurt before he got fed up and left him? Jinyoung wouldn’t bet on that.

The swing slowed down and his feet stepped on the bed of sand below him again. He dragged his foot on it, gathering his courage to go back home. He had to be someone worthy of Jaebum’s love, not that coward who ran away everytime he was cornered. However, suddenly a pair of small feet entered his line of sight. He looked up, to find an elementary boy standing before him. He smiled to the boy.

“Hello, do you want to use this swing?” he asked. The boy shook his head and held out the hand that had been hidden behind his back. Jinyoung stared at the single rose in the plump hand, puzzled.

“Is that for me?” Jinyoung asked, pointing at the rose. The boy nodded, so he took it. He thanked him before the boy ran off to somewhere. There was a card tied to the rose, with a chibi version of him squatting down in the rain, holding an umbrella. He chuckled. There was only one person who could draw this. He turned the card around to find a familiar writing.

**_They say red rose is an embodiment of love. And I’ve been a captive to you since the first time I met you._ **

When he finished reading the note, there was another kid standing in front of him, a girl this time. She gave him a rose and ran away. The chibi him was then reaching around with spiral eyes and curly mouth.

**_Then I met you the second time, and has been falling deeper everyday for you ever since._ **

Another kid. The chibi him wasn’t alone anymore. He was sitting on a familiar couch, patting the chibi Jaebum’s head that lied on his lap.

**_I love you, I love you, I love you._ **

Another rose. They were walking together, hands stuck together in Jaebum’s jacket pocket.

**_I’ll make sure nothing could ever come between us._ **

Another card. He was riding on Jaebum’s back as they walked along the shore.

**_I love you more than anything._ **

Another. They were sitting on the back of a pickup car, kissing.

**_I will give everything I am for you. No, you already own it._ **

Another. They were sleeping, hands tied together.

**_I can’t be without you anymore._ **

Another. They were cuddling at the balcony, wrapped by a blanket.

**_You’re the lighthouse that guided me when I’m lost in the dark._ **

Again. They were walking, hand in hand.

**_Let’s walk the rest of our lives together._ **

Again. A pair of hands were squeezing his cheek, like Jaebum often did to him.

**_You’re perfect just the way you are._ **

Again. They were kissing with a heart above them, arms around each other.

**_You’re the most precious treasure in this world to me._ **

The writing got blurred as tears filled his eyes. He wiped it with the back of his hand, and when his sight was cleared again, he found a pair of feet in front of him again. However, they were way bigger than their predecessor. He looked up to find Jaebum, and the tears he just wiped filled his eyes again. He put his arms around the other’s waist, sobbing and stuttering.

“I’m sorry... I’m really sorry…”

He felt a hand stroking his head gently.

“Do you love me?”

“Of course I do, do you need to ask? I love you, I love you so much,” he sniffled.

“Then don’t say sorry,” Jaebum said. He released himself from Jinyoung’s arms as he bent down to kneel in front of him and cupped his cheeks, wiping his tears. “Because love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

“B-but…”

Whatever argument he was about to say was swallowed by a peck to his mouth. He tried to say something again, but it was blocked by another peck. Jaebum chuckled.

“It’s okay, maybe I haven’t really made it clear yet. So…”

He reached back to his backpack, pulling out a rose Jinyoung hadn’t notice yet from the side pocket.

“Park Jinyoung, the most beautiful creature in this world, the person I love above anything else. Will you be mine?”

Jinyoung stared at him, stunned, before tearing up again. Before he can say anything though, suddenly a drop of water fell on his cheek, another on his shoulder, and then a hundred on them. Jaebum tugged Jinyoung’s hand to take shelter under the slide’s platform. They crouched down, looking at each other, and laughed.

“What a fail,” Jaebum said. Jinyoung stared at him. The tail of his mullet he had been sporting since last week was sticking to his nape. Actually Jinyoung was one of those people who hated mullets, but Jaebum looked so good with it that he was growing a new habit of touching it, like what he was itching to do right then. Maybe he was biased, maybe it was karma. Either way, Jaebum fit this hairstyle like no one else could.

“Hey,” he called, turning Jaebum’s attention to him, “are you really okay with me?”

“What do you mean?”

Jinyoung looked down. “Actually, I know about you and that girl you’ve been performing with. Everyone thought you were together. And she confessed to you. Even after that, you keep being close with her, which means you like being with her. From what I heard she is a nice girl, she has the same interests as you, has similar way of thinking as you, that’s why people think you’re suited for each other.”

Jaebum furrowed his brows. “So what about that? We’re just friend, no matter what they said.”

“I know. I just feel inferior to her when it comes to you. I wish I can share the things you love with you. I wish I can see the world you see. I wish I am the person who understands you the most. But I can’t. I guess I’m just feeling jealous. I never realized how easy it can be for me to get jealous over little things until I meet you. I even get jealous of your friends. And whenever I felt upset and insecure because of that, I always ended up hurting you. I want to change it, and I do try, but I just can’t help it sometimes.”

Jaebum didn’t say anything. Jinyoung looked up to find Jaebum staring at him. His eyes were unreadable, so he asked again.

“Are you really okay with me? When I’m like this?”

Time stood still as they stared into each other’s eyes, as if it was also waiting for Jaebum’s answer, just like Jinyoung. His heart was loud in his ears, drowning the thrumming raindrops. Then suddenly Jaebum stepped into the rain, and walked a few steps before stopping. He looked straight into his dumbstruck eyes, smiling while being showered by heaven’s spring. He was drenched from head to toe, glowing from the reflection of many lamps in the playground. He opened his mouth, and started singing with the rain as the backsound.

 

 _Tell me, tell me that you want me,_ _  
_ _And I’ll be yours completely for better or for worse._ _  
_ _I know, we’ll have our disagreements,_ _  
_ _Be fighting for no reason, I wouldn’t change it for the world._ _  
_ _  
_ _‘Cause I knew the first day that I met you_ _  
_ _I was never gonna let you, let you slip away._ _  
_ _And I still remember feeling nervous_ _  
_ _Trying to find the words to get you here today._ _  
_ _  
_ _You make my heart feel like it’s summer when the rain is pouring down._ _  
_ _You make my whole world feel so right when it’s wrong._ _  
_ _That’s how I know you are the one._ _  
_ _That’s why I know you are the one_ _  
_ _  
_ _Life, it’s easy to be scared of._ _  
_ _With you I am prepared for what is yet to come._ _  
_ _‘Cause our two hearts will make it easy_ _  
_ _Joining up the pieces, together making one._ _  
_ _  
_ _You make my heart feel like it’s summer when the rain is pouring down_ _  
_ _You make my whole world feel so right when it’s wrong_ _  
_ _That’s how I know you are the one_ _  
_ _That’s why I know you are the one_ _  
_ _  
_ _When we are together you make me feel like my mind is free and my dreams are reachable_ _  
_ _You know I never ever believed in love, I believed one day that you would come along and free me_ _  
_ _  
_ _You make my heart feel like it’s summer when the rain is pouring down_ _  
_ _You make my whole world feel so right when it’s wrong_ _  
_ _  
_ _That’s how I know you are the one_ _  
_ _That’s why I know you are the one_ _  
_ _That’s why I know you are the one_   
That’s how I know you are the one

 

Jaebum just stared into his eyes all the while, holding his gaze captive in his own. He barely moved his body except for some small gestures, just singing wholeheartedly. It almost felt like he was talking to him, filling his heart with so many different feelings to the brim it was spilling down his cheek. And then Jaebum started talking for real.

“It’s no use pondering over something we can’t change. The only thing that matters is I love you. I’ll tell you over and over again that you’re the only one and you’re the best thing that ever happened in my life, until you believe me completely. Life is not about waiting for a storm to pass, Jinyoung, but learning to dance in the rain. And I want to dance with you, only you, no one but you. That’s why, if you’re willing to be mine, come take my hand, and we’ll dance through all the storms in our lives together.”

He wasted no time to run into Jaebum’s arms. He let the rain washed over his fears. He wanted to be with Jaebum, and nothing else mattered. Jaebum rocked him from side to side, spinning both of them in circles as he hummed a melody to his ear. Jinyoung laughed, feeling so happy he was going crazy. Jaebum slipped the rose he was still holding onto his ear.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said. They kissed under the freezing rain, feeling their hearts warmed up. They kissed again as soon as they got home, water dripping and pooling on the floor, not having enough of each other. Jaebum chuckled, his breath warm against Jinyoung’s face.

“We should probably stop before we get a cold. Let’s change our clothes. You can take a shower first.”

Jaebum gave him a peck and went inside, followed by Jinyoung’s eyes. Their clothes were both soaked through, they stuck to their skin like a second one. He could see the outline of Jaebum’s lean figure through the black t-shirt he was wearing. He walked up to him, sliding his arms around Jaebum’s waist, stopping Jaebum’s on his track.

“Jaebum.”

“Hm?”

“I want you to hold me.”

Jaebum stiffened for a moment before he turned around to look at him in the eyes, holding his hand. “Are you sure? We don’t have to rush, we can wait until you’re ready. It’s your first time, we can take it slow.”

“But it’s not yours. It’s upsetting that others know a side of you I haven’t seen yet. You said you’ll give me all of you. That’s exactly what I want. Give me all of you, and claim all of me as yours. Unless…,” he stared at Jaebum hesitantly, “you don’t want me?”

Suddenly Jinyoung was flushed against Jaebum, the other ravishing his mouth like he never did. He was backed up to the wall, his head spun. His tongue slid inside his mouth, tangling itself with his own. He was so astounded at this Jaebum he never saw before he forgot how to breathe. When he finally released him, panting, he snapped.

“Are you kidding me? How can you ask that? Do you know how it hard it is to live with someone you’ve been loving for half of your life under the same roof? Do you know how much I hold back this whole time? But I’m scared. I’m scared of hurting you. This vile part of me, is what you haven’t seen yet. I want to be gentle to you, so I’ve been trying my best so only that part of me was seen by you. You’re the only one I want to be like that with aside of my parents. But I’m actually not that nice of a person. I don’t know what would happen when we do it. What if I lose it and hurt you before I can stop it? I don’t want that.”

Jinyoung was speechless at the outburst. Not because he was scared, but because of how much Jaebum loved him that he tried to change himself for him. He knew how hard it was first-handedly. He smiled, heart swelling with love toward the other as he brought him into a hug.

“Show me then. Show me all of you. I want you, so I’ll accept all of you. Besides, I trust you. You will never hurt me intentionally. So don’t be scared. Do whatever you want, Jaebum.”

He kissed Jaebum, biting his lower lips softly, and whispered.

“Now, make me yours.”

 

\--

 

Jaebum was everywhere. His breath, his lips, his teeth, his tongue, the tip of his fingers, they were on every part of his skin, sending low electric pulses throughout his body. It was embarrassing, having all those attention concentrated on his naked body. Even more so when Jaebum started massaging his rim. A wet, cold finger was inserted into him, sliding in little by little in time with his breathing. It felt so wrong and uncomfortable. He couldn’t hold back his moans as the finger started moving, circling around massaging his inside. And when Jaebum took him into his mouth, he lost his mind. He whined as he tugged on Jaebum’s hair, overwhelmed with everything his lover did to him. Another finger slid in with the same process, and then another again. Suddenly he gasped loudly, arching his back as tingles shot through his spine.

“W-wait, Jaebum, it feels weird…”

Jaebum continued on sucking him. He started to get dizzy as his breath escalated, it felt like he was burning. He trembled as the pressure built up until he couldn’t hold it anymore.

“J-Jaebum, I-I’m gonna…”

Jaebum pulled his mouth away right before he come onto his torso. His mind scattered, and by the time he pieced it back, Jaebum’s lips are already all over his skin again until he found Jinyoung’s.

“You did well, Jinyoung. Look at you, blooming like a rose. Why are you so beautiful?,” he whispered into his ear before kissing him slowly, melting their tongue together. His breath slowed down bit by bit, and when it almost returned to normal, the fingers that was still inside him moved again. He moaned into Jaebum’s mouth, the tingling feeling spread across his body again. Finally those fingers slid out, and Jaebum sat up, pulling Jinyoung with him. Their lips were never apart as Jinyoung straddled him, arms draped around his neck.

“Now, I’m going to put it inside you, and you can go down at your own pace. Don’t force yourself, okay? If it feels uncomfortable or hurt, just stop. If it hurts too much or you don’t want to continue, tell me.”

Jinyoung nodded, and he lifted his hips. Jaebum guided him, and he felt something nudged his back. He slowly stretched around it, letting it in, and it hurt. He stopped just like Jaebum told him, waiting until the pain subsided before continuing easing down. It repeated multiple times until he finally seated on Jaebum’s lap, breathing heavily. All the while, the other was kissing wherever patch of skin his lips could reach, rubbing and massaging his hips, releasing all the tension from his body. He kept praising him, telling him he did well, reminding him to breath. And when it ended, he found his lips again.

“Are you okay?” Jaebum asked, brushing the hair that matted on his sweaty face. Jinyoung nodded. They kissed and kissed until the pain faded, and Jinyoung experimentally lifted himself up again with Jaebum’s help. It didn’t hurt as much, and as he kept moving, the pain disappeared. The only things left were the tingles inside him, and the feeling of Jaebum filling him up it was overwhelming. Jaebum laid him down on the bed again, moving at the same pace he had set before, so does the hand that was stroking him, sending him to the edge. Despite what he said, Jaebum was nothing other than gentle. He could feel his thoughtfulness in his touches, his love in every kisses, his restrained desire in his breath. It felt amazing that someone desired him so much and loved him just as deep, he felt drunk. At the moment there were only two of them, and nothing else existed in their world. His senses, his feeling, his mind, were all filled to the brim with Jaebum, until they were overflowing from within him and he came with a loud moan, followed by Jaebum.

Jaebum turned them to their sides and kissed his forehead. He felt so blissed out, relieved, and exhausted at the same time he only half noticing when Jaebum pulled out, leaving for a little while and back with a towel to wipe him up. He felt a warm hand stroking his head tenderly, and a voice as familiar to the hand caressed his ear.

“Sweet dream, love.”

And he did, with his love by his side.

 

\--

 

Jinyoung woke up in Jaebum’s arm, feeling warmth smothered him. He snuggled closer to the source, resting his head on his lover’s bare chest. Their legs tangled together, only separated by the thin fabric of pajama pants they were wearing. It was cute, how Jaebum even cared to put them on him while he were sleeping. He reminisced on what they did last night, how tender Jaebum was to him. He giggled, feeling giddy and embarrassed.

“What are you doing?” Jaebum asked, slurring from sleep.

“Oh, do I wake you up? Sorry. I’m just listening to your heartbeat. It’s beating at the same pace as mine.”

Fingers carded over his hair. “Of course, we’re fated to be together after all.”

Jinyoung raised his head to look up at him. “What do you mean?”

Jaebum yawned before answering with another question. “Do you know about The Red String of Fate?”

“It’s the invisible red string that’s tied around the pinky fingers of two people who are destined to be lovers by God, right? What about it?”

“There’s thin artery that connects our pinky fingers directly to our hearts. Human hearts generate an expanded electromagnetic field that reaches out beyond our physical bodies and is able to communicate with and affect people around us. Two people who loves and appreciates each other have their heart wave patterns lined up to match the exact same frequency. It’s as if the love that’s kept in heart runs through that tiny vein towards our hands and reaches out to the invisible world, waiting to connect us with our destined person. That’s why, if your heart beats at the same pace as mine, it means we’re connected by a red string.”

“Is that so?” Jinyoung leaned his head back to Jaebum’s chest. “It would be great if it’s true, but aren't you too skilled at wooing someone? And you’re also seemed so experienced last night it almost makes me upset. Just how many people you’ve practiced those with?”

Jaebum chuckled. “What, are you jealous again?”

“I am,” Jinyoung admitted.

“I never woo anyone though, so I guess it’s my natural skill. And it’s the first time I’m so attentive and caring while doing that. Like I said, I’m actually not that nice of a person. I think I was more of a jerk when it comes to romantic relationship. But I don’t want to be like that with you, you’re too precious. So the sides you’ve been seeing are ones only you will ever see. That’s why you don’t need to feel jealous to anyone.”

Jinyoung lifted his head again and pressed his lips against his boyfriend’s, feeling like the luckiest person in the world for having someone who loved him so deeply. A smile spread across his face.

“If you ever become a jerk with me, I’ll call your mother to spank your ass.”

Jaebum groaned and clenched his eyes shut. “Please don’t, I can already imagine her running after me with a broom in her hand like when I was a kid.”

Jinyoung kissed his eyes, which then opened with a tender gaze directed at him. He shifted himself so he was laying on top of Jaebum, the other’s hands clasped on his back. His own arms were beside Jaebum’s head, supporting half of his weight as he leaned down to meet his lips again.

“I’m sorry, for getting jealous so easily,” he said. Jaebum smiled.

“I’m quite happy, though. It shows how much you love me. Oh yeah, we also need to talk about this. Do you want me to stop performing with Ayeon?”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened. “You will do that for me?”

“Of course, if you want. So, do you?”

Jinyoung groaned. “That’s the problem, I’m conflicted about that. I don’t want you to perform with her, but at the same time I want to see you perform together as your fan. I guess I don’t have a choice but letting you perform with her.”

Jaebum laughed. “Actually, you don’t have to worry about her. She has a boyfriend already.”

“What? Then why no one knows about that?”

“Because the one she is dating is my uncle, who is also a professor at our college.”

“Your uncle? The one who lend you that truck?”

“Him,” Jaebum nodded. “It’s true that she confessed to me once, but it’s the past. We’re just friends, we always are. I can’t tell anyone about her relationship with my uncle, that’s why I just let the rumor of us spread. It prevents people from making advances at us, and no one would get suspicious over her boyfriend. It’s like a win-win solution back then.”

Jinyoung felt his jaw dropped. He could never expect that. So that was why they were often together, and all their friends thought they were together. Suddenly a tongue sneaked into his open mouth, teasing his own tongue. He gasped in surprise before melting into the kiss, lazily exploring Jaebum’s mouth like the other did to him. He pulled away, eyes catching Jaebum’s, feeling content and delighted.

“You’re mine now, Im Jaebum.”

“And you’re mine, Park Jinyoung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters to go! I can assure you it won't grows again. I use many reference for this chapter, like "Love means never having to say sorry" from Love Rain, "Life is not about waiting for a storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain" from Doctors, and the theory about red string of fate from here (https://www.heartintelligencecoach.com/legend-of-the-red-string/). Also I took inspiration for Jaebum's notes from the meaning of rose's numbers. So yeah, every number of rose has a meaning, I just knew about it when I did my research. And the song Jaebum sang is Kodaline - The One. Lately I just realized that I've turned my fanfics into my playlist -_-" What can I do, they're my inspirations. Anyway, what do you think about this chapter? I really hope you like it! Thanks for reading and see you next chapter :))


	11. Brown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update, at last ^^

Jinyoung walked home with dragged feet, feeling so tired. He felt so tired and upset. He got off of work really late thanks to this annoying customer. It wasn’t even his fault. It was the customer that suddenly stood up and bumped into him, making the tray he held fell and the food on it scattered on the floor. Of course he apologized, customers are kings after all. But the customer still yelled at him because of a small stain the food left on his shirt, made a fuss and even complained to his manager for his incompetence, resulting in an hour long afterwork scolding and a cut from his pay. He couldn’t even talk back and defend himself for fear of losing his job. He liked his job and the people at his workplace (except the manager of course) so much, so he didn’t want to lose them just because of such a petty thing. Yet by the time he arrived at his apartment, he already killed that customer and the manager hundreds times in his head.

_ Jaebum must’ve already asleep, it’s so late already, _ he thought sadly. He wanted to complain and snuggle into his lover’s arms, letting him soothed away all his frustration, but it would be selfish to wake him up just for that. He sighed as he opened the door. He tried to make as little noise as possible so he wouldn’t wake Jaebum up. However, he could barely held back his gasp as he was greeted by an unexpected sight at the living room.

He was right that Jaebum was already asleep, but him sleeping on the couch with his mouth slightly gaped and an opened picture book on his chest wasn’t what he had expected. The corners of his lips were lifted up by themselves before he realized it, all his bitterness vapored into thin air at the adorable sight. He pulled the book from underneath the sleeping man’s arm as gentle as he could and put it on the table. After that, he took a blanket from Jaebum’s room and covered Jaebum with it. He brushed the other’s hair lightly and kissed his forehead. Before he was able to get up and leave though, a hand pulled him and he fell on top of Jaebum, trapped inside the other’s arms.

“I thought you were sleeping,” he said, accusing.

“I was, until you oh-so-passionately attack an unconscious person in his vulnerable state.”

Jinyoung hit Jaebum’s chest and the latter laughed sleepily. They fell into a comfortable silence after that, Jaebum stroking his hair and him basking in his touch.

“Why did you come back so late?” Jaebum asked after a while.

“Just a bad luck, I guess.”

“Wanna tell me about it?”

“Maybe later,” he said, “I’m just a little bit upset, but I’m fine.”

“Okay then.”

Jinyoung lifted his head to look at Jaebum. “Did you wait for me?”

“I did, until I fell asleep since you took so long.”

“Why a picture book though? Are you a kid?”

Jaebum bursted up in laughter. He took the book from the table and they shifted so Jinyoung’s head was laying on Jaebum’s arm. Only then he read the title of the book, ‘A House in the Woods’.

“I first read this book when I was five, and it becomes my favorite book ever since.”

Jinyoung furrowed his eyebrows, confused. “It’s all in English though? How could you read English at the age of five?”

“I couldn’t, but I loved the illustration so much that I looked at it over and over again. I think it started my interest in art, the thought of wanting to draw like that. That’s why this book is so precious to me.”

Jinyoung examined the book. There were two pigs and a bear inside the fence of a big, wooden house, also six beavers and a moose walking toward them.

“What is it about?” he asked, curious. Jaebum smiled and summarized the story for him.

“There were two pigs that lived next to each other. Suddenly, one day a bear and a moose moved in and destroyed their houses because of their big builds. They then decided to build a house for the four of them together with help of the beavers. That’s basically it.”

Jinyoung turned to look at the other and smirked. “Why does the bear and the moose sounds so awfully like you? You suddenly barged into my house and turned my world upside down.”

Jaebum laughed. “You might be right. But like in the book, you also come to love the unexpected company and I am indeed become your personal teddy bear since you hugged me every night as you sleep.”

“Well,” Jinyoung tightened the arms he put around Jaebum and smiled, “that’s true.”

“Does it mean you admit that you’re a pig? You also eat so much.”

Jinyoung slapped his chest. “I’m not a pig! And it’s your fault that I eat so much. I’ve gained so much weight since you came here!”

Jaebum laughed over and over again while he started to become concerned. “Do you think I’ve became really fat now? Maybe I need to start dieting tomorrow.”

Jaebum kissed the top of his head and smiled softly. “Why? You’re fine though, you’re not fat at all. And even though later you lean toward the chubby side, it’s alright. Chubby wife is a sign to a happy marriage, isn’t it?”

Jinyoung pouted. “Who do you call your wife? We’re not even married. I pity the person who would be married to you!”

Jaebum’s chest shook with laughter. He cupped his cheeks, squeezing them together and kissed the protruded lips.

“Aigoo, what should I do to this cutie pig?”

“Read me.”

Seemed like his respond surprised Jaebum so much that he stared at him with a gaped mouth. “Huh?”

“Well, I read for you so many books, you can at least read me this book later before we sleep.”

Jaebum stared at him for a little more while before his laugh exploded. “You just called me a kid and now you want a bedtime story?”

Jinyoung smiled. “Well, it’s good once in a while.”

Jaebum ruffled his hair fondly. “I thought you said you’re upset about something.”

“Did I? I don’t remember.”

Jaebum smiled. “It’s good, then”

 

\--

 

It had been a long time since Jinyoung last strolled around Hongdae, between all the performing artists of the night. The street was more crowded than usual since it was Saturday, and it was Valentine’s Day. He had other reason for walking alone through the waves of couples though. Of course, it was because of Jaebum, who started performing again that night after a long hiatus. He had been excited about it for a while, and kept reminding Jinyoung every three hours to not forget to come and watch him. Like Jinyoung would actually forgot such an important night.

His ears finally caught Jaebum’s voice, quietly mixed with the noise other performers created. But it got louder and louder as he closed in, until he finally saw him, on the stage where he was the brightest star. He wanted to get closer and watched from the front line, but he didn’t want to disturb other audiences. Jaebum was in the middle of a song, so beautiful in the fluidity of his moves, graceful to the tip of his fingers. His heart swelled at the sight he hadn’t seen for a long time, and Jaebum looked so classy and strikingly handsome tonight as he traded his baggy clothes with dark turtleneck, blazer, and slacks. He was torn between how amazing his boyfriend was and how he wished the man wore more layers in this cold winter night. Then again, maybe dancing kept him warm.

Jaebum didn’t notice him until the song finished. The moment he saw him, a wide smile spread across his face, which Jinyoung replied back just as wide. He turned to look at Ayeon, and the girl nodded at him, leaving Jinyoung wondering. Then Jaebum turned to talk to the crowd again.

“We’re going to move to the next song, but before that, between you all, there’s a person so special for me, someone I love above everything else. I hope that person would listen to this song well, because I want to tell him…”

 

_ Can't say how the days will unfold _ _   
_ _ Can't change what the future may hold _ _   
_ _ But I want you in it _ _   
_ _ Every hour _ _   
_ _ Every minute _ _   
_ _   
_ _ This world can race by far too fast _ _   
_ _ Hard to see while it's all flying past _ _   
_ _ But it's clear now _ _   
_ _ When you're standing here now _ _   
_ _ I am meant to be _ _   
_ _ Wherever you are next to me _ _   
_ _   
_ _ All I wanna do _ _   
_ _ Is come runnin' home to you _ _   
_ _ Come runnin' home to you _ _   
_ _ And all my life I promise to _ _   
_ _ Keep runnin' home to you _ _   
_ _ Keep runnin' home to you _ _   
_ _   
_ _ And I could see it right from the start _ _   
_ _ Right from the start _ _   
_ _ That you would be, be my light in the dark _ _   
_ _ Light in the dark _ _   
_ _ Oh, you gave me no other choice but to love you _ _   
_ _   
_ _ All I wanna do _ _   
_ _ Is come runnin' home to you _ _   
_ _ Come runnin' home to you _ _   
_ _ And all my life I promise to _ _   
_ _ Keep runnin' home to you _ _   
_ _ Keep runnin' home, home to you _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Can't say how the days will unfold _ _   
_ _ Can't change what the future may hold _ _   
_ _ But I want you in it _ _   
_ __ Every hour, every minute

 

When the last verse started, Jaebum stopped dancing. Instead, he walked toward the audience while still singing, and kept going as the crowd split to give way for him until he stood in front of Jinyoung. Jinyoung could only stare dazedly as the man knelt down and took out a leather box, revealing a wooden ring inside. Jaebum held his gaze as he talked.

“Park Jinyoung, in the future we can’t see yet, when I’ve become more of a person and someone you can depend on, where the light split the dark and the moon and the sun become our witness, will you marry me? Will you build a home where we can live together, with me? Will you become my home?”

Jaebum’s face started to blur from the tears welling up in his eyes. It trickled down his contracted cheeks as they pulled up the tips of his mouth. No words could describe the happiness he felt at the moment. So instead of thinking about it, he answered the hanging question.

“Of course I will. Do you really need to ask?”

Jaebum grinned as he took the ring from the box and put it on Jinyoung’s ring finger. “Well, all artists are romanticist, you know. At least I am after I met you.”

He stood up, still holding Jinyoung’s hand. He brought it to his lips, kissed it, and said, “Thank you, Jinyoung. I promise you won’t regret it.”

Jinyoung smiled. “You better,” he said. Then he was pulled into Jaebum’s arms and their lips found each other like two piece of puzzles that fit together. They were interrupted by the loud cheer from the crowd. Before that, he totally forgot that they were outside and there were many people watching them. It had felt like there were only two of them in the world. Usually, he would’ve felt so embarrassed he wanted to die, but as he saw Jaebum’s smirking face, he couldn’t care less. He brought their face closer and they kissed again, letting the noise surrounding them faded into the background.

“So, where’s our beavers?” he asked when they could talk again. Jaebum laughed.

“Do we need them? Aren’t just the two of us enough?”

Jinyoung smiled. “It’s enough. Just you and me is enough.”

 

\--

 

Jinyoung woke up to find himself alone in the bed. Before he could even wonder where Jaebum was, the chopping sound from behind the door already made him smile. Instead, he started wondering what the breakfast was going to be, filling his mouth with saliva. When he raised his hand to cover his yawn, something that circled around his usually bare finger caught his eyes, and he couldn’t stop himself from grinning.

Right, the ring.

No matter how many times he look at it, he was always getting awed by it and feeling touched. It was only a simple, medium dark wooden ring, with lighter color on the thin line in the middle and the inner side. It might not be as expensive as a gold or silver ring with any stone planted on it, but he would choose this ring anytime. What made it so special was the fact that Jaebum made it himself, with a little help of his friend. Despite being a handmade, it was so finely crafted. The surface was smooth and it was thin, so it was comfortable to wear. It was even waterproof. He also carved their initials inside, ‘JJ’. Guess that was the perk of dating an art student, they got really creative with their gifts.

Jinyoung sat up, only to groan as the soreness he felt. He looked at his reflection on the mirror across the bed, and what he saw made him blushed. Traces of how Jaebum sweetly melt his body down to break him apart and put him together only to wreck him up again and again all night long were scattered all over his skin. As if it wasn’t enough, when he tried to stand up, his legs felt like jelly and couldn’t held his weight. Jaebum’s worried face jutted out from the door frame, and he rushed in when he saw Jinyoung sitting on the floor, panicking.

“What happened?” Jaebum asked as he crouched in front of Jinyoung. Jinyoung didn’t give any answer, but it seemed his burning cheeks was already one as Jaebum smirked playfully.

“Aw, has our Jinyoung’s legs gone weak?”

Jinyoung hit him. “It’s your fault! You did it too much!”

“Is that so? You seemed to really like it though. You were so loud last night I’m afraid you’d wake up the neighbors.”

“Shut up!” He hit him again, and Jaebum laughed.

“Alright, alright. Let’s get you off of the cold floor.”

Jaebum put Jinyoung’s arms around his neck and helped him sat on the bed again, putting a pillow on the headboard for him to leaned back on. He patted Jinyoung’s head and said, “Rest a little bit more until the breakfast is ready, okay?”

Jinyoung nodded, and Jaebum gave him a smile. When Jaebum was about to leave, he tugged on his hand, preventing him from going. Jaebum stared at him, confused, as he was pulled to sit beside him, on the edge of the bed.

“There’s something I want to give for you,” he said, “I was supposed to give it yesterday, but I forgot since I was too overwhelmed last night I got distracted.”

“What is it?”

He bent down trying to reach his bag that was placed on the floor not far from the bed. However, Jaebum preceded him and got the bag for him instead. He accepted the bag and rummaged through the content until he found what he was searching for. He took out a glass jar filled with chocolate truffles, a ribbon was tied around its neck. He gave it to Jaebum, smiling shyly.

“It’s a Valentine’s gift,” he said.

“Whoa, did you make this?” Jaebum stared at the jar with in wonder.

“Yeah. Don’t worry, I’ve practiced multiple times and my guinea pigs said it tastes good.”

“Guinea pigs?”

“Jackson and Wonpil.”

Jaebum laughed. “Are you sure they didn’t say that just to make you stop?”

“If you don’t want to eat it then give it back,” Jinyoung said, sulking.

“Hey, you can’t take back what you’ve gave away,” Jaebum replied, opening the lid and put one of the truffles in his mouth. Jinyoung watched him, full of expectation. But it fell when Jaebum frowned.

“Why? Is it weird?”

Jaebum nodded and took another one. “Taste it yourself.”

Jinyoung opened his mouth, waiting. However, what went into his mouth wasn’t the truffle between Jaebum’s fingers, but the one inside the other’s mouth. Jaebum’s lips were latched with his as his tongue slid the slightly melted chocolate into his mouth, brushing Jinyoung’s tongue as if teasing him. He pulled away with a smirk, putting the truffle he was holding into his own mouth.

“It’s weird because it’s your cooking, and it tastes wonderful. So weird, isn’t it?”

Jinyoung puckered his lips as he chomped the chocolate down. “Such a roundabout way for a kiss,” he grumbled. Jaebum laughed.

“Thanks,” Jaebum said, smiling as he closed the lid. “I really like it. I’ll eat it carefully.”

“I’m glad then. And, um, there’s another thing I want to give you.”

He rummaged through his bag again and pulled out a vintage styled envelope.

“This one isn’t a Valentine’s gift. I just want to write this for you.”

Jaebum looked dazed as he received the letter. But when he was about to open it, suddenly Jinyoung glided down to the bed and covered his head with the blanket.

“What’s wrong?” Jaebum asked.

“I’m so embarrassed, I can’t look at you. Just read it.”

Other than Jaebum’s small laughter, the room was bare from any noise. Every second spent in that silence made him more and more nervous. He could hear his own breathing inside the blanket. He felt himself blushing when he remembered the cheesy things he wrote.

 

_ I see an angel on earth, _

_ The feathers on his wings sways as he moves the flesh of his soul with grace. _

_ I see an angel on earth, _

_ The halo crowning his hair overshines every stars in this universe. _

_ I see an angel on earth, _

_ The sky is painted all over his face every time he smiles. _

_ I see an angel on earth, _

_ He says he falls in love with a flawed human. _

_ He says he falls in love with me. _

 

_ I walk with an angel on earth, _

_ He dyes my heart with colors I can’t see. _

_ I walk with an angel on earth, _

_ He calls me his moon and looks at me like I am one. _

_ I walk with an angel on earth, _

_ He treats me like I am the most precious thing in the world. _

_ I walk with an angel on earth, _

_ He touches me with his grace, singing his tunes to the core of my heart. _

_ He sings for me, and my entire being becomes a captive to his melody. _

 

_ I fall for an angel on earth, _

_ He gives the world to me when I only have my flawed self to give. _

_ I fall for an angel on earth, _

_ He chase after me without hesitation when I can only run and hide. _

_ I fall for an angel on earth, _

_ He is my most precious being in this world. _

_ I fall for an angel on earth, _

_ So I am very sorry, and I thank you, Im Jaebum. _

 

_ Thank you for loving me all along. _

_ Thank you for forgiving every mistakes I makes and never giving up on me. _

_ Thank you for painting every colors of your rainbow in me. _

_ Thank you for letting me love you for the rest of my life. _

_ I love you, and always will. _

 

_ Yours, _

_ Jinyoung _

 

Maybe it had just been minutes, but it felt so long Jinyoung started to get frustrated.  _ Why doesn’t he say anything?,  _ he thought. Suddenly the blanket was tugged away and he yelped when his lips got crashed into by another. Jaebum’s hands were cupping his jaw, lifting his face as he sucked his breath away. It was only three seconds later that he remembered to breathe. When Jaebum pulled away, a smile decorated his face as his eyes were glistened by tears.

“Let’s buy a house someday.”

That was so out of the blue it left Jinyoung in a daze that he could only responded with a, “Huh?”

Jaebum laid down beside him, caressing his cheek with his thumb. “Yeah, somewhere in a rural area, some place where the air was fresh and clear. We can live near the beach, so we can go there whenever we want. I will have my own studio, and you’ll get your own study room. It doesn’t have to be big, just enough that we can bring Nora there, and maybe adopt one or two more cats for her to play with.  We’ll only need one bedroom, and we can put a double bed there. It will be a home we can live comfortably in until we’re old. What do you think?”

Jinyoung smiled. He wrapped his arms around Jaebum, snuggling closer to his lover. “Everything is good, but we can cross the double bed. I love this space and this distance, we don’t need more.”

Jaebum chuckled. “Fine with me, I love them too. Single bed it is.”

Jinyoung kissed his nose, and Jaebum kissed his chin. Jaebum kissed his jaw, and Jinyoung kissed his ear. They kissed everywhere of the others their lips could reach, like they could never get enough of each other. And then they laughed together, feeling happier than they ever had. They didn’t know what the future might bring, but Jinyoung already couldn’t imagine one without Jaebum. So he prayed then, and he would too the day after, and the day after that, everyday until they got so old he couldn’t lift his hands to pray anymore, that they would be together, forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, finally only epilogue left! I'm so happy that I finally finished this chapter. I'm so stuck that instead of writing for this fic I wrote an addition to my completed one. I'm so sorryyyyyy T_T And I'm also sorry if the poem is weird, I'm an amateur at that so please look at it kindly ^^ As always, thanks for reading this fic! How do you like this chapter? I really hope you like it. See you at the epilogue :))
> 
> The book: 'A House in the Woods' by Inga Moore  
> The song: 'Runnin' Home to You' by Grant Gustin


	12. Epilogue: White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait T_T

The sun was unforgiving as it turned the world into a boiling oven. Jinyoung lifted the bucket hat he was wearing to shield his eyes from the strong light up a little, wiping the sweat off of his forehead. He felt his joints creaking as he stretched after hanging all the laundry. His body really catched up to his age, it seemed. He took the basket from the ground and went into the house he had been living in for the past 7 years.

The cooling air inside felt soothing after being under the scorching sun. He sighed as he took off his hat and put down the basket. He sank into the sofa, getting himself comfortable beside a little boy whose attention was focused on the sketchbook in front of him. His small hand was busy dragging his crayon over the paper, his brow knitted together. In the end, he put it down and pouted.

“What’s wrong?” Jinyoung asked.

“Why can’t I draw Appa as beautiful as Dad did?”

Jinyoung looked at the supposedly replica of his face on the framed canvas hanging on the wall in front of them. After seeing the painting, he finally knew how he looked like through the filter of Jaebum’s eyes, and understood why he fell for him at the first time. The man inside the painting was so beautiful that even he himself was enthralled by him, there was no way it was the same person as him.

The painting was in black and white, or so everyone said. Jaebum said he wanted Jinyoung to see his painting as it is, and that the painting was more colorful than any painting he had done. He wanted him to see how the colors inside him intertwined together into a white light that shone his world bright. Jinyoung didn’t think he could fully understand it, but one thing he could see in the painting was how much Jaebum loved him, and he couldn’t help but falling all over again for that man.

Jinyoung smiled at the sulking boy and patted his hair. The boy that was him and Jaebum’s child. He was so glad they made a decision to adopt him five years ago, who had brightened their days since with his cheerful and cheeky personality.

“I think it’s great though,” he said looking at the drawing, “I like it better than Dad’s.”

The boy looked at him, stars blinking in the dark of his round eyes. “Really?”

Jinyoung pulled him on his lap and kissed his forehead. “Of course, Jaejin’s is way way more better than Dad’s.”

“Whoa, so that’s how it is? I’m hurt,” said a voice that suddenly came from the front door.

“Dad!” Jaejin literally screamed. He jumped from Jinyoung’s lap and ran to his kneeling dad’s arms.

“How is our little hero doing today?” Jaebum asked.

“Appa said I draw him better than Dad,” Jaejin said in an innocently smug way. Jaebum pinched his button nose affectionately.

“So why do you want to draw better than Dad? Does Jaejin want to become a painter too?”

“Of course! Dad looks so cool when you’re painting. I wanted to be like that too!”

Jaebum ruffled the kid’s hair. “Great! That’s my boy. And for a good boy, there will always be reward. We’re going to the amusement park tomorrow!”

“Really?” Jaejin’s chubby cheeks reddened like an apple from excitement as he flung his arms around his Dad’s neck. “Dad’s the best!”

Jaebum laughed as he lifted the boy up with one arm and walked inside. Jinyoung, who had been watching the whole interaction with a fond smile on his face, finally approached them. “Welcome back.”

“I’m home,” Jaebum said, his features softened as he looked at Jinyoung. He put Jaejin down and rummaged through his bag before taking out a small white carnation bouquet. A silver band circling his ring finger reflected the sunlight that slipped through the window, identical to the one around Jinyoung’s finger, as he held the bouquet out to Jinyoung. They were the embodiment of their red string that they believed connected to each other. They were the vow that would bind them together until the end of their life. They were the symbol that signified the wearers as two people tied by a vow for life. A vow called marriage.

“Happy wedding anniversary, Jinyoung.”

 

\--

 

_ The moon still hadn’t descend from its throne while the sun was already peeking from beneath the horizon, light slicing through the darkness. It was quiet, with the splashing waves and wheezing wind the only music filled the air. Jinyoung stood on the shore wearing a white suit and dress shoes, heart beating loudly in his chest as he smiled to Jaebum, who stood before him with similar appearance and hair slicked back, looking more handsome than ever. Beside them was a small table, covered by white cloth, a white ceramic bowl filled with water witnessed the sacred ceremony in silence. _

_ “As I thought, that hairstyle suits you well. You look manlier like this,” Jinyoung smiled, satisfied. He had been persuading Jaebum to do that just once after they decided they would held the ceremony on the day they officially moved into their new house, not far from where they were going to do it, which was the beach where they had their first date. He whined, he sulked, he appealed, but Jaebum just wouldn’t budge. However at last, Jaebum relented to his wish with a frown on his face, yet somehow still seemed pleased as he looked at the mirror before they went. The man smiled at him, as soft as the clouds swimming above them. _

_ “As expected, you looked more like an angel in whites. And today, the promised day has come that we make a vow before the offering we make to God, asking for God’s blessing. So, let’s not delay this any further,” Jaebum said, taking both his hands in his. He looked straight into his eyes, and his heart stopped. _

_ “Will you Park Jinyoung, with the sea, the earth, the trees, the moon, and the sun as the witness, be a home I come back to, be the pillar of my life that keeps me tall through the ups and downs, be the lighthouse that guide me when I’m lost, be someone I share my laughs and cries with, and be my one and only true love even after death do us apart?” _

_ Jinyoung found it hard to breath his answer barely escaped his mouth. “I will. And will you, Im Jaebum, be the safe I trust my heart and my entire being in, be the colors that painted my world, be the life partner I grow old with, until the end of our life? Are you willing to be bound to me as long as the earth is still spinning and the stars still shine?” _

_ Jaebum tightened his hold on his hands, affirming his answer. “I swear on my life, I will. And now, I declare you my husband, as I am to you, until the world cease to exist.” _

_ Jaebum let go of his hands to take out a velvety box from his pocket. He opened it, revealing two silver rings inside. He took one, put the box on the table, and slid the ring through Jinyoung’s finger, replacing the wooden one that had worn out through the five years since he got it, and by then hanging on his chest by a thin chain. He took the other and put it on Jaebum’s finger. After that they stepped back, putting a little distance between them, and then bow to each other. _

_ When they straightened back again, the tears he couldn’t hold back anymore escaped from his eyes, his heart swelled with so much happiness it was about to explode because that moment felt so mystical. The moment when they were united in wedlock. The moment when they were tied together for a lifetime and more. They closed in again, and Jaebum cupped his face as he kissed his forehead before finally finding his lips. _

_ “We’re already a family since we put your name in my family registry a few months ago, but now we’re truly a married couple,” Jaebum said, the same happiness brightened his face as the sun shined on him. “Now there’s no you and me, but us instead. Now the only thing that’s mine you, yours me, and everything else ours.” _

_ Jinyoung smiled, wrapping his arms around Jaebum, tightly. “I like how it sounds. Us, ours.” _

_ “Me too,” Jaebum said, giving him one more kiss. “Now, let’s go back to our home.” _

_ Jinyoung nodded, smiling even more. _

**_Ours._ **

 

\--

 

Jinyoung put the picture book on the nightstand to find Jaejin already deep in his dreamland. His little angel looked so adorable, snoring softly through the mouth that was slightly parted. He smiled as he carefully pulled the blanket up to the boy’s chest. He kissed his forehead lightly before turning off the lamp and closed the door as quietly as possible.

Outside, he found Jaebum feeding their cats. He then sat on the couch, watching them. It still stung a bit to see Nora wasn’t there, eating together with the two cats they adopted not long after Jaejin came to that house, although it had been a year since she was gone. They buried her on the backyard, followed by Jaejin’s shrill cry and Jaebum’s silent one. He couldn’t even shed a single tears because he was busy calming Jaejin down and consoling Jaebum. Although the atmosphere of the house was back to normal after a few months, the sadness still lingered.

Jaebum slumped into the couch next to him after he finished feeding the cats. Jinyoung stared at him sympathetically.

“Good work today,” he said. Jaebum smiled.

“Thanks. I’ve been running here and there for these two months because of the exhibition, but since it’s over, I can finally take a breather for a while.”

Jaebum worked as a curator at an art gallery while still painting either for commissions or for self-satisfying. His workplace was so close to their house that he would sometime come home for lunch, like that afternoon. Jinyoung himself was an editor, but he resigned after Jaejin lived with them. He couldn’t possibly take care of him with the tight deadline schedules. He then became a freelance writer. He got a column in some magazines, and released two books already.

“Are you sure you don’t want to rest tomorrow? We can go to the amusement park another day. I will talk to Jaejin and make him understand,” Jinyoung said, concerned since Jaebum looked so tired. The man shook his head.

“No, he would be so disappointed. It’s okay. Spending time with you and Jaejin is healing for me. Besides,” Jaebum slid his head down and rested it on Jinyoung’s lap, “I recharge faster when I’m with you.”

“Silly,” he said, mirroring the smile that spread across Jaebum’s face. He carded his hand through the silky threads of hair, letting them flowed between his fingers.

“Hey,” Jaebum called out.

“Hm?”

“Read this for me.”

Jaebum reached out his arm to take a book from under the table and gave it to him. Jinyoung laughed.

“I just finished reading a bedtime story for Jaejin and now you too? Are you the same age as him? And moreover? My book?”

It was indeed the book he had written, his very first published book. It was titled ‘Paint Me a Rainbow’ with stark white cover beside the title and his name, which he chose himself. Jaebum pouted.

“You’ve been giving all your attention to Jaejin lately, I feel lonely, you know.”

“Alright, alright, you elementary kid, let’s start before it gets late.”

He opened the book and started reading.

“ I felt the sunlight fell on my skin, warming my face up despite the high wind blowing…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite the wait, sorry for the short chapter, but there's nothing more to tell about their story. They already have a happy ending since last chapter, so this chapter is just like what it supposed to be: an epilogue. Just confirming that they're married and happily ever after.
> 
> Now, about the marriage. I was inspired by a Korean drama, Goblin. They got married with just a bowl of water, and it ticked my curiosity. However, when I searched on the internet, there was nothing. I was only able to find information about it in one website, which I will copy+paste here for you.
> 
> The bowl of water is called Jeong-hwa-soo (정화수, 井華水) which literally means “The freshest and cleanest water of the day drawn from a well at dawn”.  
> Traditionally, Korean people often prayed at dawn in front of the bowl of freshly drawn water which symbolizes the most divine and purest offering to the supreme god.  
> When impoverished lovers hold a wedding without any money, or when forbidden lovers go for elopement and wed without any guest, they prepare a bowl of Jeong-hwa-soo for an offering to the supreme god and bow each other in front of the water. Even though there is no guest in this ceremony, the water means the supreme god is watching their marriage as a witness.  
> This water is used not only for a wedding, but also when praying for various issues like family’s safety, health, offspring etc.  
> (Source: https://bodashiri.tumblr.com/post/156317917591/fresh-water-in-korean-marriage)
> 
> That's all. And finally, this story has ended. I truly, truly thankful to all my readers. Thanks for liking this story by far, and I hope you like this chapter too! See you on my next work ^^

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ^^


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